Bush Announces New Office of Homeland Insecurities

Inspired by the clever title of The Every Child Matters Education Foundation's latest publication:Homeland Insecurities by Michael Petit, the NO Child Left Behind President established a new cabinet level position Secretary of Homeland Insecurities. New Secretary, Linus Van Pelt, discuss some of his plans for his department:"Since our fair land is last in infant mortality,teen births,health coverage for children,death rate from child abuse and children living in poverty, we have decided to distribute millions of Homeland Insecurities Blankets as our first action step." Blankets will be made by Halliburton and sold to the government at the usual 300% mark up.

The only Presidential historian not yet caught for plagarism, DeWitt Clinton HS History Chairman Obama Baracka commented: "How appropriate that our most insecure President will go down in history with a blanket as his legacy. All that bluster and bullying is just a cover-up for a really scared human being.Once America sees the real Bush and how much like this frightened nation their President is , I think they will embrace him and support a Constitutional amendment for a third term.

Christ tells Cardinal Egan : I Will Not Be Moved!

As Cardinal "Fagin", nicknamed for his physical and spiritual resemblance to the pimp of pickpockets in Dicken's Oliver Twist, announced the closing of 21 Catholic parishes in the NY Archdiocese, Christ himself announced on his website(jcsez.luv) that He will remain truly present in the churches Egan is shutting down. The website features Christ's pronouncements at length. Entitled :If this Pharisee... The Christ in good Baptist style(after all Luke says his cousin was a baptist) delivered a ferverino to rival even Dr King who has a blog link to the savior's site. Here are some excerpts : " If this Pharisee thinks he can tell me where I can live and where I can't live , he damn better read the Bible-Stables are good enough for me and no tomb could hold me! If this Pharisee thinks I'm one of those jews who fled from the South Bronx to Co-op City or LonG Iland,he better think again!SoBro for me ,mano! If this Pharisee thinks he can treat me the way he did those Catholic HS teachers on strike to feed and house their families in the early 80's , he must be high on more than just altar wine! That's when I left his whitened sepulchres and walked the picketline for a living ,saving wage! My Papa Joe ,you know, was a union carpenter Local 3 ,Nazareth.( This last reference was to the strike -breaking tactics of "Fagin" when he headed the education dept for the archdiocese . He was once quoted as saying that the Catholic schools could run on a barebone budget because of their decentralization. A Bronx theology teacher/union rep debated him in the NY Daily News by rebutting:"Yeah , on the barebones of my four children!".
When the Mother of Christ, whose title is most often heard in NY traffic jams, was informed that Mary, Help of Christians was one of the doomed parishes ,she spoke out through her own MySpace. "Listen Fagin(we believe this is the first MySpace reserved by a semi-divine being) I once was a povety-stricken, unwed teen mom. What have you done for us lately! Save the millions on incense and pedophile lawsuit settlements and let my people in!".

Babal Tops Golden Globes

Genesis 11 had languished on the shelves of agents,producers and directors for four millenia. To the surprise of drama and film critics the "Myth of the Tower" finally broke out and leads the list of Golden Globe winners in both the stage and screen categories.Ben Ben-Ben of the NyTimes could hardly get his laudatory exclamations out in order:"It's Fresh!It's New! It's Old ! It's Blue!".

Drama and Film critics across the world gave great acclaim to the first simultaneous release of a movie, musical and architectural feat. "Just think", architecture critic for the New Yorker, Bill"Bricks"Gnmortar exclaimed," Babel reaches for the stars from the footlights to the silver screen and now the skyline of old Mesopotamia with its twenty towers!".

Predictions of Oscars , Tony's and The Grand Erection(Architecture's less famous Gold Medal) were rampant across the pages of Variey and Architectural Digest.

In late breaking news the destruction of the Newly constructed Tower of Babel by US bombers outside Baghdad put a bit of a damper on the triple crown predicted by art critics around the world. Creator Shakespeare Rogers-Hammerstein Lloyd Wright humbly declared :"So? No hat trick!? I'll take a double-header sweep, any day!".

Barzan-US Poster Boy for Obesity

Just when US nutritionists, anorexics and bulimics were desperately looking for an object lesson down comes Barzan Ibrahim, henchman of Saddam Hussein ,also known as the Dessertman of Baghdad.Bassam Ridha ,spokesperson for the Iraqi President, apologized for not weighing Barzan:"He asked us not to weigh him.He said this was the reason he never went to Weight Watchers@. He hated being weighed and judged by others".

"When we lynched him", Iraqi Hangman and High Executioner, Texas Bobby Jo Stringimup commented:"His head just snapped off like an ear on a stalk of corn!".There was nothin' we could do.".Government officials ,trained by Bush WhiteHouse PR men began the spin almost immediately. Barzan was called"thickset" and the decapitation was called "inadvertent". Iraqi spin doctor, Mohammed Lyingdog demonstrated his proficiency after attending a Republican conference entitled: We Decide the Truth.Lyingdog created the now famous press release: The Thickset inadvertently decapitate themselves.

Meanwhile US members of STAVRE, Society for the Vehement Refusal to Eat, declared Ibrahim : The Father of All Obesity and displayed his decapitated corpse on all of their latest public service announcements. Their new slogan has appeared everywhere: "You never know when you might get hung, don't lose your head and get stung...diet like your execution is tomorrow!".

Coach Bush and the Failed Team

WASHINGTON, Jan. 16 ? "President" Bush said Tuesday that Iraq had ?fumbled? the executions of Saddam Hussein and two of his deputies, and that the government of Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki ?has still got some maturation to do.?
"Maturation to do" and "Fumbled Executions" were the harsh words Head Coach "The President" GW"Gone No Where" Bush launched at his Iraqi Quarterback Nuri Kamal Al-Maliki. "How can we go to the big game if this team can't kill tyrants in private and hang desperados without taking their goldarn heads off!", the coach was heard to scream from the closed locker room meeting.

Commentators fro throughout the world of sports were immediately speculating about the opponents in the big game. SI writer , Reilly O'Reilly predicted that the playoffs would come down to the axis of evil. ESPN pundit, O'Reilly Reilly insisted that Syria still had a chance with its new Lebanese acquisitions. Foxsports experts were holding out for dark horse ,Hezbollah, in the final run for the tape.

Coach W had only one thing to say:"Bring 'Em On ! We'll git Al-Maliki the maturation he needs and they'll be no mo' fumbles durin' executions !That's fo'dang shoore!".

Escape From New Squawk!

I decided that my last $ 75,00 dollars would not be spent on my incarceration in Lovely Acres Rest Home on December 31, 2006. With the new payment to "New Squawk" , the nickname given to this hotbed of complaining,due on New Year's Day , I knew it was time for the breakout. We'd been dreaming about it for years like the barroom denizens of O'Neil's [strong]Iceman[/strong], we had our pipe dreams too. But I resolved I'd be our Hickey and finally act on all the fantasies we palathered about.

We had a plan, Josephine, Benny and I. The night staff were either sleeping ,playing texas hold'em or holdin' each other in the laundry room. Benny had this wild goddaughter who would come faithfully every week,bad mouth his daughter for putting him in this "hellhole" and offer to break him out any time, making his escape in her bright red convertible Mustang.

Benny gave her the call and we prepared our get away. It was not without complications. Josephine needed a wheelchair to get around(confined was not a word this hot babe cottoned to), Benny was all but blind and I could hardly go ten minutes without a pee.The goddaughter -she shoulda' had a theme song- was to pull up at the loading dock at midnight.After a good long piss ,I was to push Josephine to the top of the hall north of the loading platform and then, piss again, before getting almost blind Benny to the rendezvous point.

We managed to converge on the meeting spot when things started to go wrong. I had to piss again and that slowed things down considerably. By the time I returned the two orderlies who were playin' hold'em in the laundry room had emerged fighting about somebody comin'too soon.(None of us could relate to that sexual complaint). When the disgruntled pair stumbled on our trio we thought the jig was up. Instead they were so drunk they just laughed on past us and we thought our way was clear.

That was until the card game broke up with loud accusations of cheater this and liar that. Once more we stood like three statues in the hall and hoped our "caretakers" would not notice. Sure enough ,thanks to Lady Gin or one of her other royal inebriant family members,we went unnoticed.

We were just 50 feet from the loading dock,the angelic goddaughter and her sweet red chariot when a fire alarm sounded! Residents,staff,visiting poker players and pok'em players ran for the exits. Blind Benny noticed this was our chance."Let's book",he screamed ,and wheelchair,blindman and wildly steering and guiding "me" ran ,pushed and struggled for the loading dock door. It was locked , apparently an automatic result of the fire alarm.

Just when we thought our escape was foiled , Benny saw the way out. "Isn't there an emergency release on the electronic door?", he asked from his years of loading dock experience. Sure enough there was a button labeled exactly what the blind man envisioned. Pushing the button with her cane,Josephine released the door just as a shiny red rescue vehicle pulled up to the ramp.

A tie-died savior leaped from the driver's side door and before we knew it Josephine, wheelchair and cane, blind Benny,beloved godfather, and little old me were off and running from Lovely Acres,leaving our aches ,pains and squawking complaints behind and on our way to wherever my last $75,000.and two good friend's social security would take us ,courtesy of a rainbow-haired angel in a Godsend of a red ch

Cloven-Foot Trump Honored On Walk Of fame!!!

In one of the greatest honors offered to a beast , "The Donald" Trump was allowed to imprint his trotter into the wet cement on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Expert Hollywood observers were pressed hard to recall an equal honor to such an animal. Trigger's hoof, Rin-Tin-Tin's paw, Arnold's pig's feet were all mentioned as possible parallels to the print of Trump's extremity.

Gossip columnists and media moguls were asked why Trump was asked to take part in this prestigious ceremony. Most shrugged their shoulders as if to weep: "Who the Fuck knows?!". Others protested his inclusion with words unprintable about his imprint. One semi-brave commentator ventured a guess as long as he could remain anonymous:"Trump is Trump...his name sounds like tramp,his life would embarass anyone with any pride and still he holds his head up high...This is what greatness represents in the post-post modern era..."

The Contnuing Story of Buster and the Baby Angel

Buster and The Baby Angel


Chapter One

No, Fuckhead.

Chapter Two

Buster Fuckhead had spent most of his entire natural life trying to make people laugh. Not because he believed in bringing joy or happiness to others. It was just that he loved to see the deformed faces of laughing people . The wide open mouth - the stretched skin of the face -the tilted back head- the flared nostrils and those crazy Shar-Pei wrinkles. The shaking torso and the absurd sounds like jack and jane asses in heat! Laughter for Buster revealed the true foolishness of the human animal and the revelation of ridiculousness was what he thrived on. Call him sarcastic , call him cynical he would have confessed in a heartbeat and gloried in that blatant admission of guilt. That is until the day he met the Baby Angel.

Chapter Three

The Baby Angel seemed ageless and moved as if gravity had little hold on her. How this ancient comedian's and such a being 's paths crossed will probably never be explained.But alot of life's crisses and crosses will always remain obscured in mystery . This star crossed and crissed couple found themselves on a roadside contemplating a flattened bike tire in the propitious presence of a dirty old minivan with room enough for a disabled bike , a vision of sweetness and a cruddy old clown . The van belonged to the abandoned past of a cast away comic. The bike to the girl . The stop was occasioned by a rare moment of clarity and an even more unusual occurrence of kindness (or was it lust) in the mind of the usually distracted Buster.And so our story begins with a devilish chauffeur, a two wheeled(one flat) companion and a rescued angel aboard a shaky ,aged ,creaking craft.

Chapter Four

Dear reader, no doubt you have wondered what kind of parents would bestow upon a helpless child such a derisive appellation as Buster Fuckhead. Well I'm glad you asked or at least I' m glad I asked you to ask. You see this was no helpless child even from the start.Even as a fetus the kicking and odd tickling sensations his mother experienced throughout this excruciating pregnancy caused mother and dad to refer to this torturous in utero life form as " a real buster!". Night and day the cursed bearer of this far from blessed event would be twisting up her face in all manner of grotesque expressions. Emitting bedeviling braying sounds La Senora Fuckhead(her Mexican heritage) cooljerked and salsa-ed her way to Buster's birthday. Perhaps his male gender was one of the few tender mercies life bestows; for one could only imagine the fate of a girl child dubbed Buster.The sirname Fuckhead has a somewhat more complicated etymology. Its original form from the Anglo-Saxon was Fuerken hede. A geneological search conducted by a Fuckhead Mormon ancestor-yes, the Fuckhead family tree was overgrown with branches from most of this world's religions and some seemingly otherworldly Weltanschaaungs- uncovered a brutal Anglo-Saxon warlord named Schicken Fuerkenhede. The name was given to him according to legend at the Battle of Bievertalle where it was reported that Schicken savagely pierced(that's the verb ,fuerken,) the skulls(hede) of his dying victims with a corkscrew- like lance of his own sadistic fashioning. The tales that were told of the horrifying countenances forever fixed on the physiognomy of these unfortunates terrified young and old alike .Schicken the Skull-Piercer became one of the most feared warriors and later, dreaded rulers of the land.He was known particularly for the insane tortures he devised for the court jesters who failed to amuse him.

Chapter Five

Perhaps there will be occasion for more passages to the past or even forays into the future but for now let us return to the sun-bleached Mercury Villager that for a change was actually moving under its own steam( Sometimes it takes a village to push the Villager). Our trio was on their way to the Vicious Cycle, the town's cheapest bike repair shop, Buster nervously chattering about the usual nothings-his were rarely sweet and never whispered- the bike , Paz en la tierra y buen voluntad a todos was her full name,lay nursing her punctured rear and the baby Angel in what resembled her characteristic lotus position was the picture of serenity as she seemed to stroke the wounded Paz.Upon arriving at the rundown shop, gentleman that he was suddenly trying to be, Buster carried the bike into the store. Seconds later he appeared to beg for money to pay for the repair. He took the lovely lady's saddlebag from the van and awaited the repair in the shop.While rummaging for the wallet - a striking genuine white and black dappled Jersey cowhide repository for cash, cards and all manner of memorabilia- Buster came across what appeared to be a diary. After checking to see if he was being watched over by his angelic passenger, the always curious comic read the following randomly selected passage:
"Will I ever feel at home here? I know others try and I try hard too but too often strange is all I feel...." The nosey clown - his was bright red but from gin- chose another page: "I am working on perkiness and it is harder than you would think. I say to myself OK now get out a bed and think perky but it is so cold on these desert mornings and it is soooo toasty under the nice warm covers that all my perky intentions just, well, unperk!" From the poignant to the peculiar,our usually calloused card found himself slightly charmed by the seraphic script in the dime store diary of the child-like cherub at meditative rest in his filthy van.

Another Motivational Moment and a DWBJ

CIRCUMCISIONS FOR EVERYBODY!!!!!!!

The NY Times brutally devalued the work of thousands of vaccine researchers at the most prestigious Medical research universities and laboratories today by discrediting their work thus far on an HIV vaccine as "an utter failure!".Science Editor,Sy Eddie Cutitoff, wrote in a recent Science Times Editorial:"What a waste! Millions of dollars and trillions of lab hours not to mention the mountain-ous piles of dead lab animals, the broken marriages and the nervous breakdowns, the sleepless nights and the vain dreams of Nobel Prize speeches and no vaccine in sight!". "Just Cut it off!", (Cutitoff asked forgiveness for the bad pun), Cutitoff said in reference to the foreskin." "Everyone knows it by now, no foreskin ,no Hiv,no Hiv, No AIDS!".

The Absolutely Positive HIV Vaccine Researchers Union(HIV+RU?)denounced the Times for its facile reliance on an ancient religious ritual. Virologist Extraordinaire, Harvard researcher, Thomas "Bughunter" Rogers said:" I couldn't believe it! I know the Bush administration reaches conclusion by faith and ignores science but not the NY Times!".

In a related story ,Moiles, Jewish Circumcizers , have reported an incredible increase in demand even and especially in the inner cities. Moshe Sharpener exclaimed: "I've never been so busy in my life! I'm lopping off foreskins,Gentile and Jew alike, like there's no tomorrow! Oy Kibbible! Some of those Schwarze schlongs! It's a days woirk!".

RED SOX In 2090!!!!!!!!!!!

Red Sox management and on-field manager and coaches agree that a World Series Championship in 2090 is a worthy goal. "Just do the math ,1918,2004,2090-it's 86 years and the way our team has been playing we may very well make it before then,"Red Sox die-hard fan Sandy"ILUVVARITEK"Rogers exclaimed at an internet Red Sox rally.

A source in the Red Sox front office laid out the plan:" We're looking at about a half-century of rebuilding...that takes us to to about 2060. After that we expect to be out of the cellar for the next decade or two. Then a dozen or so years of mediocre ball but after that hold on to your hats ...We'll be back in contention by 2085. By then we'll be ready to strip those Yankees of their 50 year streak of WS Championships".

NFL Work Stoppage!!!

"It's not just about the QB!" was the chant of striking linebackers and linesmen during their demonstration outside the NFL President's office. "We're sick and tired of the camera following the ball", screamed a NFL linesman who wishes to remain anonymous,"Football is more than just carrying a pigskin down the field. We're bustin'our butts out there and all the announcers talk about is :'1st doown! TD!!!".

When union rep for the new Federation of Quintessential Barriers(FQB),I.L Shoudamoney was asked about labor strategies he seemed to be playing coy:"You just watch and see what happens at the SuperBowl if our members don't start getting some more camera time. Let's just say that there will be some QB ass with lots of green grass stains!".

When Shoudamoney was reminded that a work stoppage of his union members would mean that offense and defense would not be doing their usual jobs he admitted that that detail in their plan still needed some fine tuning.

DWBJ Task Force Sucks One Up!!!

It was just a matter of time before NYPD's new cracker-jack DWBJ task force would make their first bust. After a boring week of reeling in some driving while drunk, text messaging, eating Big Macs and a few shavers and eye shadowers a DWBJ finally was spotted on the radar.
Sgt Chris "Bronxbomber" Rogers was the first member of the task force to get suspicious:" Half the drivers in NYC swerve and look dazed but this guy was something special! Up the curb at Fordham Road, through the light at Pelham Parkway and right onto Fordham University Rosehill Campus".

Officers on the task force approached the vehicle with extreme caution and weapons drawn. They called in the "Ghetto Bird" and a helicopter as well. What they found troubled even the most experienced members of the new task force."We were told to expect some pretty rough stuff in training", Rogers offered ," But this was triple XXX!".

" Let's just say" added Lt. H. Hefner, after head of the DWBJ task force Rogers needed to be excused,I've seen plenty in my day-Filthy Sanchez, Alpine Alley-oop, Bareskin Barracuda-pretty much all of it but this couple took the cake and there was even some cannoli involved...I'll leave the rest to your imagination!".

When Rogers returned from his "break", we asked him what he thought the consequences of this behavior would be. "Well, let's just say there'll be noooo pregnancy and these two will be going away for a loooong time!".

TANK PISSER!!!!!

DATELINE BEIJING, Jan 15 - The father of a US family visiting China was arrested for urinating on a tank in Tianamen Square today. Witnesses said he was screaming: "Free Tibet" while he relieved himself against the tank treads of one of the People's Republic of China's military vehicles.

In an attempt to prevent the arrest, his family was heard to claim that the man suffered from uromycitisis a rare urinary tract ailment that requires immediate evacuation of the bladder . The disability they were heard to protest was well known in the US since it was popularized on a famous Seinfeld episode.

Chinese authorities would have nothing to do with this strange alibi and the apprehended offender was heard, while being dragged away kicking and screaming,to say something about how his friend went to school with the son of the Chinese ambassador to Hong Kong or maybe it was the Hong Kong ambassador to China but either way, boy, would they regret this violation of human rights.

Amid the laughter of the throng in the square, observers were heard to comment on the weak bladder of the funny round-eyed man. In a subsequent interview with the family most members agreed that the arrest was probably for the best and that they thought a re-education camp would probably do him a world of good. At any rate they would certainly enjoy the rest of their vacation without having to deal with him and his frequent bathroom stops.

CHICKENFAT RULES!!!!

Chicken fat is now all the rage as a replacement sourcem of oil that can be transformed into fuel. Entrepreneurs are gambling on establishing fuel plants in close proximity to chicken processing plants to take advantage of this new source of energy. Perdue Farms CEO, Mohammed Akbar has already begun to declare his position of power in the new oil -producing field. From his office in Raleigh, NC , he recently announced his plans to create a rival to petroleum rich OPEC. CFPEC will prove to the world that chicken fat is king!

KFC kingpin , Col. Sanders Jr. , declared that he and his Chicken fat empire will have nothing to do with the radical terrorist animal fat movement. " The Colonel has always been a loyal member of the Confederacy and we pledge that every ounce of our cholesterol will be devoted to the slogan:" The South shall rise again!"

Military experts believe that this new source of energy and the conflicts it is already provoking may indicate the next fields of battle on which the energy-hungry nations of the world will meet. In a related story, the Chinese government has announced its plan to require everyone of its 2 billion citizens to begin raising chickens. Much Cluck , Beijing-based Minister of Energy commented: " Soon , who will need petroleum!".

DWBJ OUTLAWED WITH OTHER DW"S

An Arizona legislator has proposed legislation that would outlaw driving while texting. this creative idea has given rise to an explosion of new driving restrictions across the globe:

DWE&D-Driving While Eating And/Or Drinking

DWR- Driving While Reading

DWLH- Driving While Listening to Headphones

DWBJ- UCNFGRITOUT!

On the international scene,Rickshaw drivers are being limited from numerous traditional practices while gondoliers find themselves restricted in ways they have never dreamt of.Drivers are not taking this lying down(though DWLD has also been outlawed). The International Union of Drivers, also known as Drivers Who Insist( DWI) are lobbying legislatures across the world to regain their ability to operate their vehicles however they please(DHTP)!

The Mystery in the Haunted Mansion

Scooby-Doo creator and and Lily Munster go to their heavenly reward

In an odd coincidence the cartoon animator who created Scooby-Doo and Yvonne DeCarlo the actress who played Lily Munster were found dead together in an haunted mansion . The cartoon amateur detectives were called to the haunted mansion to investigate the circumstances of their creator's death. After questioning Herman , Eddie,Grandpa and Marilyn, Super-Sleuths from Scooby-Doo couldn't come up with a clue without their canine clue-sniffing comrade, the recently late Scoob.
It's possible that other distractions slowed the usually swift crew who always solved crimes in 30 minutes and that's not counting commercials. Fred blamed Daphne and Velma for being "off task" in Daphne's trailer. Shaggy Rogers said:" Nooo ccccomment, dddude" amid a suspicious cloud of sweet-smelling smoke.
Herman too distraught to talk after Lily's passing sat alone in a prescription drug-induced stupor. Grandpa who died years ago was very little help . Eddie and Marilyn( Pat Priest) were caught " in flagrante delicto" in one of the many upstairs bedrooms .Members of the Adams family were on the list of usual suspects but all had reasonable alibis except for "Thing" who claimed that he never left his box and his hand was involved with himself at the time of death.
To the shock of all involved Scooby-Doo appeared on the scene( He hadn't died . He escaped from the local ASPCA just before the euthanasia) He of course cracked the case. the culprit was Beverly Owen , the very first actress to play Marilyn. Scooby tripped over her in a dark hallway and she confessed . Her love obsession with Scooby's Creator and his passionate love affair with Yvonne De Carlo was more than she could take!

KRAUTHAMMER _ANOTHER UNSCIENTIFIC NEO_CON!!!

If Charles Krauthammer's logic and research skills are any example of the quality of Neo-con analysis , no wonder the US is in such dire straits! Krauthammer tells us in a recent op-ed piece that stem-cell research has been "aided by the president's stance", a very cautious approach to when stem-cells may be used for research. His "proof" is the discovery of possible stem-cells in amniotic fluids . This celebration is at best i pre -mature and at worst careless.
Dr George Daley, Harvard University stem -cell researcher, said that the discovery shouldn't be used as a replacement for human embryonic stem-cell research . Daley continued: " While they(amniotic stem cells) are fascinating subjects of study..., they are not a substitute for human embryonic stem cells which allow scientists to address a host of other interesting questions in early human development". Krauthammer notes no medical experts in his jejune jump on the bandwagon. Not a big surprise since scientific rigor has rarely been involved in recent right-wing political stances from contraception to global warming.

TEPFA UNITE!!!!!!!

With the rising popularity of ethanol made from fermented corn mash, the price of Mexican tortillas, animal feed, US pig farmers rely on to fatten their livestock and alot of drunks whose primary source of nutrition comes from corn mash related products are finding themselves in a bind.

This has led to the formation of TEPFD: the alliance of tortilla eaters, pig farmers and drunks. This new union is fighting to keep the price of corn down while energy hungry countries across the world are seeking new , cleaner sources of fuel.

One solution in the mix is the possible use of the left-over mash from the fermentation process to feed livestock . Seagrams Inc has shown interest in this alternative since the alcohol-saturated mash could keep the poor and the drunken drunk and promote a very happy pig. Unfortunately since alcohol kills the poor, the drunk and the porcine, other answers to the dilemma are being sought.

One exciting new idea is the use of animal fat to manufacture bio- fuel. This is not without its problems, however. Mexico already makes most of its food with lard so the TE part of the alliance is out. Pig farmers are in since their product is mostly animal fat anyway and drunks don't really care since...well, they're drunk any way.

Researchers continue to seek a solution and the TEPFD alliance hopes to keep eating and drinking till that day arrives.

Pointer's motivational moments: It's what makes you come and what makes you go!

Raytheon Reverses its Policy on Firing Retards

In its attempt to navigate between the Scylla of Arizon'a new higher minimum wage and the Charybdis of a two month long strike, Raytheon CEO, Odysseus Ofthecraftymind announced his plan to hire as many mentally retarded replacement workers as possible.

"We're calling this SCAB (Strategical Corporate Alternative Bomb). We've been told that bomb doesn't make much sense in the title bit since all we make is bombs and bomb is in the title of all our other plans we thought what the heck": Ofthecraftymind explained. It is hoped that SCAB will kill two birds with one bomb, a leaked corporate memo reads:

"We get to shut up the retard lobby and burn the asses of those strikers at the same time.It's our very own Trojan Horse." (Our editors believe this to be a reference to the new equine condom produced to stem the spread of EIV, a virulent virus plaguing the world-wide horse community).

"Heck", floor foreman Telemachus Thebrave commented, "I could never understand what those engineers and physicists were jammering about. And besides, it'll be great to have those goofy bastards back. They're a regular barrel of clowns".

International Machinists Local 933 spokesperson Hector Theproud could hardly contain his rage at an emergency union meeting: "Workers of the World unite! You have nothing to lose but your 401k's, HMO's, Life Insurance and a damn good $15. per hour staring salary!"

Rumor has it that striking workers are taking IQ tests in an attempt to score some of the SCAB jobs. Long lines are forming at testing centers all over Tucson causing tremendous delays. Things have gotten so bad that some rich parents are worried that they will not be able to obtain untimed testing status for their children taking the next SAT.

RPFF, a national advocacy group ( Rich Parents For Freetime) attacked the strikers scheme and deplored the lack of integrity in Americam labor. A striker who'd been on line for hours after traveling from one testing center to another was heard to complain; "This Odyssey is going to kill me if i don't get home soon!"

Hiring 'Retards' just got too expensive

Giant corporations like Raytheon Corporation whose slogan is "We bring evil things to death" have decided that the new minimum wage increase in Arizona has out-priced them out of the "persons with disabilities" market.

Raytheon CEO and former professional wrestler Killer Kywolski commented: "We used to love to hire those goofy clowns but now Arizona wants us to pay them a living wage! If I gotta pay the full ride I might as well hire one of Arizona's many illegal aliens or their numerous high school drop outs.

"They won't be as funny as the "tards" but at least they'll be able to take themselves to the bathroom and we won't have to erase all the crazy shit those retards used to scrawl on our missiles.

"One time this really duh guy drew Bart Simpson on the missile shell with him writing his after-school blackboard punishment that read: I MUST NOT BOMB INNOCENT CIVILIANS. It took us hours to get that crap off the missile before we could sell it to the government so they could drop it on who knows who!

"We're gonna miss those dumbbells but business is business and all's fair in war and war!"

Yankees Exercise Litte Known Return Policy

Yankee owner and CEO (Commandante Executive Officer) George Steinbrenner has decided that he will invoke the little known return clause in Randy Johnson's contract. "Let's just say ,it didn't fit," Commandant Steinbrenner commented." He's in just about the same condition since we bought him or even better," Steinbrenner offered alluding to the Yankee financed back surgery. "Look I've still got the receipt if anybody wants to see it," The pugnacious commandant threatened.

Diamondback officials were heard to murmur about the date of purchase and whether the original packaging was available. " How can they think we can take this return! Receipt or not , it's been years since the purchase and we haven't seen piece one of the original packaging. How can they expect us to resell this product or even return it to the manufacturer after all this time and no box!"

Johnson's take on all this was to say: "I can't believe George kept the receipt after all these years. I may have the box up in the attic in Phoenix. I'll go wherever they send me. Shit millions of dollars and performance doesn't even matter...It's almost as good as being a CEO!".

TheSpoof.com Censored My Story!

TheSpoof.com's tyrannical editors changed a word in a recent article, causing widespread anger and outrage. In a particularly tasteful piece about Raytheon's refusal to pay Arizona's new minimum wage to their mentally retarded employees, satirical author Pointer referred to the mentally challenged workers as "goofy bastards".

Clearly this was a cinematic reference to the film classic, [strong]What about Mary[/strong], a poignant modern retelling of how Mary of Nazareth gave birth to a retarded Jesus.

In the film, Joseph the step -father of the delayed Christ child affectionately refers to him as, "You goofy bastard". Some spoof editor missed the reference and changed the word "bastard " to "clown".

"This is an outrage", Pointer was quoted saying to himself (since no one has listened to him for at least a decade now which is why he is reduced to sending his lame little jokes to freed internet humorzines). We tried not to hear the rest of the rant but considering Pointer's use of a megaphone this proved to be in vain. It seemed to go something like this:

"Clown? I didn't write clown! I wrote bastard cause bastard is what St Joe said to his DD boy savior. He called him a bastard because of the illegitimacy of his birth since God the Father provided the y- chromsome to join with Mary's x-chromosome. That's why he's goofy! Heavenly DNA and Earthly DNA , even if there has been an Immaculate Conception, results obviously in retardation! How else could we explain the ridiculous belief in non-violence, simple living ,social involvement, heartfelt worship and love over law!"

Fortunately the police arrived and dragged the ole hunting dawg away to his comfortable little padded cell that he occupies now and again at St Joseph and Mary's Home for Odd Fellows...poor goofy bastard!

Army Calls up Dead and Wounded for Service in Iraq

US Army sent re-enlist letters on the day after Christmas to 75 dead and 200 wounded Iraq War veterans, giving new meaning to the Army of the Dead.

December 26 is honored as the Feast of the Massacre of the Innocents remembering the story from Matthew's Gospel where Herod kills all babies of 1 year or less to try and destroy the prophesied Messiah. When reminded of this coincidence, paraplegic LT Bob Upndown even found time for a little levity. I guess Herod was more merciful than King George, Herod only killed people 1X.

Us Army spokesperson,Capt. Bubbles La Due tried to explain: "Look when you have this many dead and wounded do you know how hard it is to keep track!? Some of the things those families said to me on the phone after receiving our letter did not, let's say, reflect the Christmas spirit. Marine spokesperson, Bunny La Reaux, refused to admit this was an error: " Once a Marine always a Marine, Semper Fi!"

Always on the look out for a conspiracy, professional liberal, Michael Moore exhorted: "Can't you see what they are doing?! It's another fraud perpetrated by Bush, Cheney and Haliburton! If you send dead people to war then you don't have to count them in the list of fatalities when they get killed. You can use the same body bag and coffin so it's big savings for W and his filthy rich comrades!"

The army will draft an apology to the families and is asking the public for some suggestions on what this letter might look like. Capt La Due was quoted as saying off the record: "We fucked this up so bad, even The Spoof 's writers could do better..."

Bra Saves Florida Woman's...Life!

While watching a spectacular New Year's Eve fireworks display a Florida woman discovered that an errant bullet fired in the air in celebration of the approaching New Year was caught in her bra. "Wonder of wonders!" She exclaimed, "I could have lost my...life!"

The .45 caliber bullet did slightly tear into her skin and she required a few stitches but the majority of the bullet remained supported by the brassiere.

Responses to this miracle of miracles have been numerous and varied. US Army representatives are very interested in the bra as possible body armour in Iraq. When asked if the device would be issued to men as well, the Army response was to say that Seinfeld had already overdone that joke.

The anti-Feminist organization, Women Aglow, issued a statement saying this was proof the good Lord favored this particular undergarment and wasn't this young lady thankful to the Lord she wasn't one of those 60's Bra-burners or those sluts who go without!

The NRA celebrated this event by unveiling its new slogan : Guns don't kill...people; not even bullets kill...people. NRA spokesperson, Alyssa Sierra Nevada did remind its membership that this must not have been one of the NRA endorsed armour piercing bullets or this would have been one flat...person.

Cards, letters,e-mails and even marriage proposals have been inundating the Florida home. The young lady sends her thanks for the show of concern and promises she will never fire her gun in the air again!

Forget SAT, ACT, New Hot # is BMI

Schools across America are adopting a new practice to fight childhood obesity. Forget the days of schoolyard bullying and taunting, now your fatass son or immense daughter can be humiliated by a letter from the Principal's office.

Parents are being notified on a regular basis of their child's BMI (Body Mass Index). Since the fat apple doesn't fall far from the extra-large tree, dumpy dad and magnum mom get to be reminded of how their obese genes and their ravenous appetites are plaguing the next generation ,even while they are taking care of their diabetic, heart diseased gigantor elderly parents and beginning to experience the deadly consequences of their own ocean-liner-sized bodies.

The idea for sending home an FPA (Fat Point Average) was first suggested by fitness expert, Jack Armstrong the VII. In an interview with Education Week Magazine, Armstrong told how he came up with the idea:

"True, Great-Great etc Grampa was a 90lb weakling who got sick of getting sand kicked in his face by muscular beach bullies while he sat on his beach blanket with the hottest babes in the world. You all know how this experience drove him to invent a tremendously successful fitness program advertised on the back cover of every comic book right near the sea monkeys ad (remember those cute little buggers with castle and the sea monkey king, but I digress). Anyway, our family got so rich off of the profits we all developed serious weight problems. Well, one time in CCD (Confraternity of Christian Doctrine) classes, a letter from the Religious education Director arrived in our home. The letter was the usual grade end report card but scrawled on the back of the letter were the words- Jack Armstrong is a LARDASS!!

"Well, my parents were furious and boy was I embarrassed. Later we found out that the Director had some students stuff the envelopes and they must have thought it would be funny to tease me about my weight problem. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. From that day on I dieted and exercised until I was the same magnificent specimen of fitness as my ancestor."

When asked by the interviewer if he ever found out who wrote the insult, Jack answered that he sure did and kicked sand in everyone of their wise ass faces!

Armstrong figures these BMI letters will have the same life transforming effect that the "Lardass letter" had on him. He also added that students interested in greater fitness could find his new program advertised on the back of comic books everywhere right next to the ad for the new, improved sea monkeys.

In a related story, students have taken to kicking sand in the faces of school principals right around end of the year report card time.

Henpecked.com

The website, HenPecked.com, has admitted to being inspired by The Spoof to include a points system to rate the severity of henpeckedness. Previously henpecked simply included tales of wifely nagging and subtle torment and domination. Now because of the influence of The Spoof points are being awarded to the stories of husbandly suffering according to the degree of pain and humiliation.

"We realized that not all henpeckedness is created equal and have taken pointers from Pointer, who claims to be the most henpecked of all, and his new favorite website The Spoof. It's all about points, Pointer wrote us and at first we thought it was just his usual unusually bloated ego. But then we got it! It's true nothing matters if there aren't ratings and/or points involved. Sports without points, runs etc?? Movies without ratings, Oscars -mean nada!":rambled Sir Walter Mittyrand, the British-German CEO of henpecked.com.

Mittyrand has released the top ranked tales of henpeckanation in the latest issue of his print magazine based on hie webzine which was inspired originally by his blognovel titled " [strong]Rip my heart out you ungrateful bitch[/strong]". #3 on the list is the woeful narrative of the plumber with two broken arms whose darling wife regularly reminds him of how badly he has failed at work and how her own sinks are all clogged and she has had to take a young lover just to preserve her sanity.

#2 is the pitiful picaresque novella of the brave astronaut whose lovely spouse constantly e-mails him and text messages him while he is in space about how he never spends time with her and how she was stuck cleaning the Olympic-size swimming pool until she found two Adonis -like pool boys who have quieted all of her anxiety and tension complete with e-mailed pictures of the three of them relieving each others stress in the jacuzzi with one video entitled: Spagazmssssss.

The winning entry this week came from an Iraq war Marine who is on his seventh re-up. His dedication to his country and democracy in the Middle East will be featured in President Bush's State of the Union address this year.His dear one writes him daily asking him why he can't be more like her father who single handedly won the Seven Day's War on behalf of Israel and only missed one Sabbath while defeating his Muslim enemy and saving his God-Chosen Nation from destruction.

HenPecked.com has already seen a quadrupling in its hits and a tripling in its contributions since instituting the point system. " Pointer and his new spoofriends sure had it right" , Mittyrand shared with us until his wife grabbed the phone from him and told us he had lost his cellphone privileges for a month. Henpecked.com has been temporarily suspended according to an anonymous message on its home screen with a graphic depiction of an infamous member of Johm Wayne Bobicks' 1st marriage.

Fity Cent Replaced By Dollahnchanj

The music world has been rocked by the surprising emergence of Asian Indian- American rap star, Dollahnchanj. Born in the Scarsdale ghetto the newest, latest golden record rap idol appeared as if out of nowhere,man and the throngs of rap fans can only scream: "Hello Dollah!". "Chanji" as his closest homies call him was an honors student since preschool.

"Dis Dude did calculus in the second grade and he never missed a day of school", bragged his closest homeboy Siddartha Gupta. "Dollah never had it easy", added Gupta's sister, Indira, rumored to be Chanji's main bitch, "Neither parents had Ph.D's and there had never been an M.D. in the family!"

None of these obstacles, that would have sent a lesser man into a life of crime and drugs, stopped Govinda Rafsanjani, Dollah's name before his rapster daze. Instead Dollahnchanj has taken the difficult threads of his life and woven them into a steel-hard tapestry of hardcore life from the affluent back alleys of affluent Westchester.

His first album, [strong]"No Ivy League for Ma' Daddy"[/strong] chronicles his own father's rise from a lower Westchester suburb to the Scarsdale mansion where he suffered the desperation of upper-middle class immigrant America.

Myron Kvetch, Govinda's first music teacher , explained: "This young man played "Fur D'Lise " with more passion than a Mississippi blues man". "I used to say he sold his soul to the devil at the crossroads when I saw him in the Scarsdale High marching band wailing away on the tuba": was all his HS band director, Dr J.P. Seuss could say.

Many theorize that his second hit album [strong]Starz n Strippers fo' foever [/strong] was secretly dedicated to his HS mentor. The inscription reads:" 2Seuss whose noose is still aroung myGDNeck!, lovya,JP".

After being unseated as rap king of the known world, Fity Cent has been unusually gracious: " Yo, ma bro, dot not feather, whether he be fo' oh in' o disatation-writin',I got his back ,back-stabbin' injun!" Those closest to Dollahnchanj are whisperin' that the next big thang from our scarred bro from Scarsdale will be called "A-A-Ain't 2Proud to BIG" a rapopera based on his struggle in the Priceton Review SAT prep course after failing to get a perfect score on his college board exams.

Rock n Roll Hall of Fame snubs The Stooges

NY Times reported that some hopefuls for the Hall fell short: "Nominees who did not make the cut this year include Chic, the Dave Clark Five, the Stooges and Joe Tex."

Our reporter sought out the loser's side of the story and scored big with these comments from spiteville. Chic was nonplussed by their rejection and lead singer, Foghorn Leghorne was quoted as saying: " I say...I say can't a chic get a fair shake!?".

The DC5 were all dead so their response was basically a no comment. Joe Tex thought for sure that this failure to recognize his musical greatness was due to the nation's new hatred of everything from Texas: "The irony is I come from the same affluent Maine suburb as W. !".

The biggest surprise was registered by The Stooges. Curley, obviously drowning his disappointment could barely slur: "Gna...Gna...gnaaa". Moe threatened to poke the judges' eyeballs out and Larry was seen cowering in a corner fearfully awaiting Moe's displaced rage.

Shemp was the only graceful loser of the night (if you don't count the DC5 cadavers). He said he would like tom thank the judges for at least remembering that he was one of the stooges. Curley Joe had no comment from his padded cell in the WC Field's Hospital for the Comically Insane.

BUSH LIBERRY

Bush reading The Pet goat



Southern Methodist University professors are protesting the building of the George W Bush Presidential Library on their campus.Dean John Wayne Crockett led the fight : "We , Southern Methodists differentiated ourselves from the Methodist Church in the 19th Century by our support of a Biblical foundation for the morality of human bondage. One gigantic boo-boo per millennium is enough for us!"

Professor of Library Science, Dr. Gaither Fines wondered aloud: "Does the President know you put books in a library? Maybe a Presidential Museum dedicated to implements for clearing brush would be more fitting..."

Bush defenders on campus decried the liberal elitist snobbery.Many claimed that there are plenty of very valuable comic book collections and copies of "The Pet Goat" Storybook 1, by Siegfried Engelmann and Elaine C. Bruner (ISBN 0-02-686355-3) have become priceless since September 11, 2001. "Coloring books are art!" declared a Neo-Con Art Professor of Paint by Numbers.

Bush is staying away from this debate according to sources close to the President. The only leaked remark came from a distant relative attending one of the President's frequent BBQs in the oval office: "George said the fuss was ridiculous! Didn't they know he married a liberrian?"

Strange Catholic Trinity of Love

In one of the most unusual crime stories of the century, three bodies were found in the resource room of St Salvatore Pointius HS this week. At first everyone including the police were stumped by the grizzly discovery. Little by little, facts began to emerge casting revelatory light on the tragic scene.

The story begins with a Modern Language Chairman,his uncanny resemblance to Don Quijote and incredible stress resulting from his efforts to be more professional. As with the "dried brain syndrome" Cervantes attributed to Sr Quijana , the chairman began to imagine that he was a knight errant. Students later recalled how he would refer to his old truck as Rocinante and how he often marched about the class with a pointer tucked under his arm in lancer-like fashion.

The second player in the tragedy proved to be a very un-Sancho Panza -like colleague. Called Profe by himself and everyone he could persuade to use this nickname, this dynamic language acquisition specialist was obsessed with yoga and wine "tasting". Together they seemed a harmless pair jaunting across the Language dept countryside to the amusement of students and the aggravation of the more professional administration.

Until that is when, entered a young, incredibly beautiful new Spanish teacher. This Dulcinea 's great pulchritude sowed insidious seeds of dissension between Don Q and the muscular Sancho. Each, it appears plotted and planned to capture the heart of the fair lady until the fateful day when each agreed to help the damsel in distress achieve the impossible dream of perfect computer unit plans.

It was there in the dank, dark resource room that our knight and his squire must have come to blows over the love of their lady. Both, it seems, killed each other with the sharp plastic edges of the school's Catholic values statement once hung on the wall of the room.

As for Dulcinea, her suicide note read that she couldn't figure out what was the story with these two old delusional fools but having failed to complete her unit lesson plans for the 25th time she chose to join them in death rather than face the wrath of her very professional supervisor.

HELP US PLAY!

In an unusual public-private partnership, the city is developing a playground near the South Street Seaport that will have trained "play workers" on hand to help children interact with features of the new playground: water, ramps, sand and specially designed objects meant to spur the imagination. NYTIMES1/9/07

Enter the HGWellian timemachine to the future of these play-challenged children and imagine their more grown up needs...

In a now very usual situation sex partners of the "Help us Play" generation are now pleading for "sex play workers". Mrs. Madonna Britney Jlow insists:" I have no idea how our parents did it-sex on your own!- How primitive...it must have been exhausting!" Travolta Cruise rejoined: " We couldn't do a thing without our PlayPal@ , the trademark name of one of the most popular NYC sex help agencies."

PlayPals@, UnCheckmates@ and countless other sexual assistance services are pressed hard to supply the Aid workers required by todays couples. " If it weren't for Fandango , we would never have figured out how to make out at the movies: Teen couple , 1234 and her partner 4321( I guess opposites still attract). "How did they do all the math in those olden days without our PassionPartner@ we would never have figured out that ^( thing!" " Nevermind the foreign language twists, PassionPartner knew all about the Filthy Sanchez and the Alpine Ally oop.

BU L.L. Shiite was the only interviewee who had anything negative to sat about sex play workers: "Call me old fashion but I just never got used to leaving the good ole let's just screw behind! And when Hillary Oprah left me for that GD sex player from ScrewBallz@ I don't think I ever will!"

SHIITE FLIGHT!

In a bizarre return to US domestic relations of the 1950's, Iraq is undergoing an amazingly similar phenomenon. Calling it Shiite Flight, Iraqi Shiites are moving away from the cities of Iraq because of the influx of American soldiers.

Abdul Hussein remarked to the local Baghdad Bugle: "I don't know about you but I do not want to raise my children around these people. They all dress the same in those strange blotchy tan clothes."

Hussein's wife, Kalipha, added: "And they carry all kinds of weapons out in the open!'

Other complaints about the new American immigrants are that they eat food out of strange pouches and listen to all kinds of odd music. Others added that they do not practice the one , true faith and they drive around in really noisy gigantic vehicles. "Do you want your children marrying these outsiders?", queried Sadamm Safyani.

Suburban areas outside of Iraqi cities are beginning to fill up with the Shiite Flight refugees. One new housing development called Levittown is offering ranch - style 3 bedroom homes to the anxious new suburbanites.

"It's strange. At first, I thought I was living on the set of ET ", Anwar Rahimm quipped, "But after a while it became quite comfortable. Little league replaced stick ball and the swimming pools were a lot better than the old city fire hydrants".

"Best of all!", added his wife, Canditha, "We can put our heads on the pillow at night and not worry about those terrible Americans shooting us or marrying our children."

DIGGIN" ON ELLA

http://www.crooksandliars.com/2007/01/10/cls-late-nite-music-club-with-ella-
fitzgerald/

RANDY RETURNED TO CELLAR!!!!

Yankee owner and CEO( Commandante Executive Officer) George Steinbrenner has decided that he will invoke the little known return clause in Randy Johnson's contract. "Let's just say ,it didn't fit," Commandant Steinbrenner commented." He's in just about the same condition since we bought him or even better," Steinbrenner offered alluding to the Yankee financed back surgery. "Look I've still got the receipt if anybody wants to see it," The pugnacious commandant threatened.

Diamondback officials were heard to murmur about the date of purchase and whether the original packaging was available. " How can they think we can take this return! Receipt or not , it's been years since the purchase and we haven't seen piece one of the original packaging. How can they expect us to resell this product or even return it to the manufacturer after all this time and no box!"

Johnson's take on all this was to say: " I can't believe George kept the receipt after all these years. I may have the box up in the attic in Phoenix. I'll go wherever they send me. Shit millions of dollars and performance doesn't even matter...It's almost as good as being a CEO!".

RAYTHEON SAYS: NO MO "TARDS!!!!!!

Giant corporations like Raytheon Corporation whose slogan is " We bring evil things to death" have decided that the new minimum wage increase in Arizona has out-priced them out of the "persons with disabilities" market.Raytheon CEO and former professional wrestler Killer Kywolski commented: " We used to love to hire those goofy bastards but now Arizona wants us to pay them a living wage! Fuck that shit! If I gotta pay the full ride I might as well hire one of Arizona's many illegal aliens or their numerous high school drop outs. They won't be as funny as the "tards" but at least they'll be able to take themselves to the bathroom and we won't have to erase all the crazy shit those retards used to scrawl on our missiles. One time this really duh guy drew Bart Simpson on the missile shell with him writing his after-school blackboard punishment that read: I MUST NOT BOMB INNOCENT CIVILIANS. It took us hours to get that crap off the missile before we could sell it to the government so they could drop it on who knows who! We're gonna miss those dumbbells but business is business and all's fair in war and war! "

WHAT GOD WILLS FOR MARRIAGE!!

NYTIMES THINKS IT KNOWS WHAT GOD WILLS FOR MARRIAGE!!!!!!!!
How could the NYTimes know God's will for marriage since it is run by a bunch of gay, lesbian , bi-sexual, transgendered, transexual,gender indifferent(BLT)-loving, divorce-advocating,feminist- supporting liberal media elites? The Reverend " Big" Otis Hostilmeier,pastor of the Church of Jesus Christ ,Our Savior Eternal and his beloved wife , Prudence Chastity Hope have published the following tract to guide believing couples away from the Sodom and Gomorrah -ish deceptions of the liberal,Godless media elite : NB: The good reverend and his faithful wife of sixty nine years comment on this NYTIMES article with their remaks in bold and parentheses.
Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying
Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:( The Lord Jesus christ is the sole relationship expert and He has led us in a chaste and sanctified marriage for sixty-nine years now)
1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?( Well now ,Pru ,do you see what I mean. Chidren are a duty and a blessing from God. There is no deciding as if you were shopping at one of those accursed malls. You're right,Big, every women should be convicted in her heart to accept the marriage act as a duty and a privilege. I know it was always like one of my many wifely chores for me. And you did your duty well, Momma!
Now as to this nonsense of primary care giver, God did not build the female around her womb for nothin' ,not to mention her biological capacity for nursing her brood. You got that right ,Papa . Why if you had ever asked me to discuss who was best suited for caring for our twelve younguns I'd a thought you were loco!
2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?Now see here's some more of the devil's lies. Man wins the bread for the God-centered family and he decides of course how to spend and save. Big, that's certainly the way it's been for us. Fortunately it sort of worked itself out since you never made enough to spend much never mind save anything... Praise God!
3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?That's like asking who managed creation- the male-God of course! Amen!, Daddy! You were always great at handin' out the chores for me and the kids. Why it seemed like the 13 of worked from sunup to way past sundown while you worked on those God-inspired sermons of yours. I used to wonder time and again how you could spend so much time day and night away from home doing the Lord's deeds...
4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental? Now you know what that refers to ,don't cha Mama? Why of course ,Big, those sinners are forever catching those terrible venereal diseases and hiding them from each other. Now it's always been different for us honey. We have a God confirmed bond of trust. That's right, Big like the time all us ladies in the congregation came down with those chancres "down there" and you helped us understand when you got back from your preaching mission how it was the curse of Eve. I'll never forget how you took the same medicine we all needed just to give us courage!
5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?Is that all those sec-U-lar folks think about? Yes , Big , I often wonder why they so long for affection and closeness. Tis a mystery, mama
6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?Dear God, No wonder they are so confused
7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?I guess so they can watch those pornos!
8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?I know your answer to that one , Big darling, Ephesians 6 "Wives be submissive to their husbands
9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?That's right dear Ephesians6
Well, Pru,do you think we have helped pagan and believer alike with our marital wisdom? Oh, Yes Big darling I think anyone who listens to this advice will end up just like us. Yes Pru dear,till death do we part...That's right Big Otis , for better or for worst!

EXXON WOULD NEVER LIE>>>WOULD SHE???????

In a Science Times article in the NY Times the shocking headline screams Exxon Accused of Trying to Mislead the Public. I don't know about you but I am sick to exhaust-ion of the liberal," all the news that fit to tint" anti-business NY Times.Here are some of the ridiculous claims they make in their supposed case against Exxon:

1) The Exxon Valdez will never make a successful gambling casino/ beach resort river boat permanently docked in the Bering Strait( Why must liberal naysayers always try to hamstring American ingenuity!)( Where else will the Alaskaians spend their oil profit tax refunds? on blubber?)

2) Tigers cannot live very long in gas tanks and do very little to improve pick-up or gas mileage(Oh and they're doing so well going extinct in India!)

3)Gas prices could have been lowered during the recent gas crisis when Exxon ,along with other oil giants, posted record profits( Don't they understand that the free market forbids such... freedom...)

4) Global warming will not help the beach resort tourist trade in the Bering Strait(Maybe there's no such thing as global warming!? Ever think of that inconvenient truth!?)

5) There is a connection between gas dependence and dead American soldiers in Iraq( Since the war began we can't even get oil out of Iraq so how could it be killing our soldiers?)

6)Solar-powered cars are possible( Yeah and if God wanted us driving solar cars , He would have created the sun before he created light( see Genesis1 KJB)

7)The internal combustion engine pollutes the air and causes added suffering to children with asthma( Typical liberal propaganda! Parents and not corporations are responsible for children's suffering. If parents choose to have their asthmatic offspring live in character-imbued urban settings, Exxon can't do anything about that. It's a free market ,remember?)

8)Smog rarely adds to the character of urban life( see #7)

9) Free -floating glaciers will not provide new ski slopes in the Bahamas( And I suppose they will not be a welcomed source of fresh drinking water in the nearby Sahara Desert)

10) Most islands that will be inundated after inevitable sea-level changes are not exclusively populated by palm trees and coconuts( Obviously the liberal elite is too smart to have gathered this important factoid from television research ranging from Gilligan's Isaland to Survivor; not to mention countless cartoons ,some even found in the pinko New Yorker which is published in a smog- enhanced urban environment where plenty of well- informed parents exercise their good judgement and free market freedom as to where asthmatic children should suffer)

CAN"T A GUY GET HUNG IN PEACE???!!!!

Burns and Glanz of the NY Times{http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/03/world/middleeast/03iraq.html?hp&ex=1167886800&en=f6357bb4ee32bc25&ei=5094&partner=homepage] ( I swear that're their real names and no! this is not an article about the Clap!)report that there is considerable outrage about the taunting and teasing Saddam Hussein had to endure on his way to the gallows.One Shiite faced Iraqi dictator, Hussein, and was heard to call out: NANNY-NANNY BOO-BOO. Our translators believe this is a colloquial expression that roughly translates : " Your camel smells better than you do!" Saddam on his last mile which in Iraq is measured by the metric system so I guess it was his last kilometer,or was it the metric conversion of an Americam mile...was called all manner of insults including weirdo, dopey dildock and banana-nose(the last is actually a complement in Tirkut and may have been screamed by the attractive Sunni woman holding up her child and adding;"I'll raise him the way you would wish!"

Human Rights organization around the world have begun to call for the illegalization of name-calling and other forms of teasing during executions. Geoffrey Gastrphilus of Amnesty International wrote in the London Times: " I don't care if you hang,shoot or draw and quarter the bastard! At least give him the dignity of a taunt-free death." Glen Gary and Glen Ross, the twin columnists from different fathers declared in the Glasgow Highlander: " We'd like a few minutes in a room alone with those ruffians. We'd ask them : How would you like it if some called you those names while on the way to a neck-stretching".

The lone dissident voice was heard from Bill Buckley's National Review where Jonah Goldberg chided: " Oh Please! My little sister called me much worse names on my way to the family gallows and I didn't mind on bit!"Goldberg , of course, was referring to the now famous story first recorded in his autobiography , [strong]How to Raise a Neo-Con[/strong]. The Goldberg parents, Ernest and Julio( or was it Julius and Ethel) in an effort to make sure no one ever mistook them for the infamous communist spies who sold state secrets for winemaking to the Soviets used a variey of capital punishment methods to discipline their children. Jonah , himself ,is said to have survived hanging, electrocution and watching the complete films of Ronald Reagan non-stop!

George W Bush was asked to comment on the controversy. His only remark was to say: " What does Saddam have to complain about at least people aren't writing things about him and Barbara in bathrooms around the world. Clearly Bush was referring to the fact that he recently was named in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the subject of the most incestuous graffiti world-wide.When reporters tried to clarify that Saddam was not making the complaint(since unless you are Jonah Goldberg , you die from hanging...), Bush was heard to say; Your camel smells better than you do!"

V.A.HO-SLAYN KEEPS THE BLOGNOVEL PUMPIN:"!!!!!!!!!!!

Buster and The Baby Angel

Chapter One
No, Fuckhead.


Chapter Two
Buster Fuckhead had spent most of his entire natural life trying to make people laugh. Not because he believed in bringing joy or happiness to others. It was just that he loved to see the deformed faces of laughing people . The wide open mouth - the stretched skin of the face -the tilted back head- the flared nostrils and those crazy Shar-Pei wrinkles. The shaking torso and the absurd sounds like jack and jane asses in heat! Laughter for Buster revealed the true foolishness of the human animal and the revelation of ridiculousness was what he thrived on. Call him sarcastic , call him cynical he would have confessed in a heartbeat and gloried in that blatant admission of guilt. That is until the day he met the Baby Angel.


Chapter Three
The Baby Angel seemed ageless and moved as if gravity had little hold on her. How this ancient comedian's and such a being 's paths crossed will probably never be explained.But alot of life's crisses and crosses will always remain obscured in mystery . This star crossed and crissed couple found themselves on a roadside contemplating a flattened bike tire in the propitious presence of a dirty old minivan with room enough for a disabled bike , a vision of sweetness and a cruddy old clown . The van belonged to the abandoned past of a cast away comic. The bike to the girl . The stop was occasioned by a rare moment of clarity and an even more unusual occurrence of kindness (or was it lust) in the mind of the usually distracted Buster.And so our story begins with a devilish chauffeur, a two wheeled(one flat) companion and a rescued angel aboard a shaky ,aged ,creaking craft.

INDICE(POINTER"S ITALIAN NAME) ADDS A NEW FEATURE!!!!!

ITALIAN DAWG sends ITALIAN PROVERBS ON INDICE:

Proverbio/Proverb

Amico di tutti e di nessuno è tutt'uno
English Equivalent
A friend to all is a friend to none !!!

INDICE WANTS FEW FRIENDS BUT GOOD ONES!!!!!!!

POINTER"S PUPS HAD SOME NEW YEAR"S FUN!!!!!!!!

Remember Pointer's Halloween prank:

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Pointer's Halloween Fun!!???
Ole Pointer decided to have some Halloween fun after he and Chuggo decided to put the crazy other dawgs outside since the three monsters threatened to dismember every little princess and hobo who came a beggin'. So with sweet Chuggo monitoring the nightly theirtube, Pointer camped out under the front picture window reading his NYk'ER ,old dawg glasses and all. The first victim happily approached the door only to be ambushed by an old sob shouting in his best BX Sarcasm: "What do YOU want?"Stunned by the break in the boring ritual , the poor unsuspecting robot and Barbie froze in their tracks. "Well? What do you want?" The robot hid behind Barbie's flimsy costume as the doll cautiously whispered : "Candy?". Why should i give you candy ? i like candy! Why should i give it away? From behind his glamorous shield R2D2 offered : "Because it's Halloween?" (as if his next line would be -isn't it? almost ready to believe his parents , the candy packed stores and all of his known world might have gotten the date wrong). Halloween ! roared the old fool What's that! At this point the defenseless children seemed to be recalling every stranger danger lesson they every received as they stared in panic at their parental escorts( Not the South Bronx Halloween of my 50's childhood when we tricked much more often than the lame treats proferred by our impoverished neighbors with our parents if we had them far, far away) Fortunately these adults(young enough to be my youngest kids) were enjoying the old dope's prank. H-H-H alloween is when kids get, i mean ask for candy... We already went over that he moaned , Tell me why kids get my candy on this Halloween! By that time a new batch of superheroes , rockstars and vampires were crowding the door. Envigorated by my new audience i begged for an answer. Can any of you please tell me why we celebrate Halloween?! A little chicana genie on the outskirts of the curious yet candy craving throng encroaching the old SOB's doorway spoke up confidently enough to melt even an old Halloween Grinch's heart: it's to celebrate the dead. All fell silent at the mention of all of our greatest fear and fascination... And the old bastard thrilled the confused kiddie crowd of costumed extortionists by his satisfied exclamation. Now that's something to celebrate! Candy for everybody! And the overflowing basket of his most coveted candies were thrown out on that porch as Frankenstein,Batgirl and a panoply of elves and goblins dove as if a birthday pinata had burst in their midst. And above the din of the night's sweetest wrestling could be heard the ancient's cry: Happy Halloween to all and to all a goodnight!


Well, our New Year's celebration seemed to call for some more zaniness...so, instead of watching the ole ,hackneyed Times Square ball do its droll descent ,Pointer thought in honor of 3,ooo dead American soldiers and countless gallons of Iraqi blood on the hands of the decent Bush family and the defeat of tyrants not to mention the 1st day of the Haj commemorating Abraham's slaughter of the ram caught in the thicket instead of his only son, Isaac( Always seek a second opinion)Pointer had his pups mark the Ano nuevo by watching Sadamm Hussein drop...10,9,8....Somehow the old Chrysler building shiny ball did seem more festive in retrospect and yet here in the new west ,not so different from the old one, there's nothin' like a good hangin'....to ring in the New Year... May 2007 bring the Bushes before the the World court tried with crimes against humanity...Maybe next New Year 's Eve we can celebrate by watching the downfall of the most murderous of Post WWII American Presidents...10, 9 8...

3,000 dead and a story of 1 memory

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/01/us/01charles.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin