Sunday, February 04, 2007

Duck shot;Survives!!!


Great White Hunter Dick "Chainsaw" Cheney thought he bagged him a ringneck duck on his most recent hunting trip.

"Duck soup, was all I could dream about!". Chainsaw went home and put the bird feathers and all in the basement fridge. When wife Lynn,famous for giving birth to a lesbian daughter, went down to prepare Dick's duck,she got some surprise. "There it was staring right at me with more vengeance in its eyes than democrats before the midterm elections",Lynn "Lesbian breeder" Cheney exclaimed.

"I told the ringneck to calm down or I would call my Dick down here to ring his ringneck and finish him off. At that the poor thing began to weep!It told me about its rise to fame in those supplemental health insurance ads and how jealousy from other ad actors and famous ducks nearly drove him crazy!

"I felt so bad for the little bird that I brought it right down to the Goosecreek Wildlife Sanctuary".

That's where this reporter caught up with the convalescing feathered friend. Boy, can that Duck talk. When asked about the charges of jealousy concerning his fellow duck actors, did he tell all: "Daffy-don't let that cute speech defect fool you,that's one vicious creature! And Donald-Walt had it right about that temper-that piece of work is the anger management poster bird!"

When asked about his future plans he said that he would like to work on forgiving Cheney for shooting him and will be joining a support group of people who have been shot by this Dick. He mentioned that he was number 300 on the waiting list but a number of Cheney's victim were likely to die soon.

As for his future with AFLAC, he sounded bitter: "I'm paying Goosecreek out of pocket because my contract did not provide supplemental health care! Besides I'm tired of promoting the stereotype of the annoying noisy duck. Who do they think I am Steppin Fetchit or Jose Jimenez! Anyway, as a lame duck, Lynn Cheney told me I'd have some famous company..."

False Arrest Capital!!!


Dallas County, Texas has had 12 cases of DNA exonerations. Only 3 states in the union have had more. Dallas county has more than even California, our largest state with the largest governor and Florida, our most corrupt state with a bush as its governor.

NY, Illinois and Texas have more but since Dallas County is in Texas, maybe the Lone Star state shouldn't count. But since Texas had 24 total if Dallas County were in the some other state it would have been a tie.

State Senator Rodney Ellis called the honor "An international disgrace...These are appalling mistakes."

When former Governor Bush, who now volunteers in military recruiting stations in his spare time, was asked about the mistakes,he had this to say: "Look,everybody makes mistakes. A county or a state is no different. If I told you all the mistakes I have made in my life ,why it would make 24 seem like a pretty small number...it would be antfinitesimal!

"I never studied in school, got a DUI, married a dumpy librarian,flew bombing missions over Texas instead of ...that place in Asia, I've killed more Iraqis than Saddam Hussein and more Americans than died in those big buildings which was the reason I started killing Iraqis. Shit,when I started that war I didn't even know that there was a difference between Shiites and Sunnis...I still don't know what the differences is!

"As my Grandpappy, the aristocratic Prescott Bush, used to say to me,'Kid, you don't know shit from shinola!' Hell, I still don't know what that old coot was talking about-shinola? what's that...a Muslim sect...har,har,that's a good one if I do say so myself".

When Bush asked what former Texas Governor Ann Richards had to say about the mistakes, we reminded him that she was dead. "Well,if she died in Dallas County, maybe she'll get exon...rerrarated!".

Grandmama was no Witch!


Scottish 72 year old grandma from Edinburgh, is seeking a pardon for [i]her[/i] grandmother. Granny, it seems was one of the last people jailed for witchcraft in the UK.

The year was 1944 when bobbies broke into a seance and threw the poor old lady into jail."They had no evidence", her granddaughter insists, "Any one could have told that the long, pointy nose was really a carrot and that ridiculous test of float or sink!It's as confusing as starve a cold ..or is it feed a cold...well ,you see what I mean."

"You wouldn't believe how mean they were to me at school when Granny was in the slammer. They called me 'Evil Eye', 'Witch-Spawn' and 'Filthy Pagan Bitch' and that was the teachers.They thought they were so smart until Granny turned them all into toads. I haven't laughed as hard since!"

Hemaphrodite Fish In the Potomac


So-called "intersex" fish, males who produce eggs in their testes, have been found in the Potomac River. Scientists are pointing to chemical pollution as the probable cause.

A study release Wednesday said pesticides, flame retardants, personal care products, and a banned fungicide were found in the water. Inter-sex fish expert, Dr Christine Jorgensen claims that certain chemicals stimulate estrogen production. Environmental specialists are positing that waste water from treatment plants, agriculture and industry are to blame.

Despite chilly winter temperatures transgendered swim clubs have been frequenting the river daily. One blue- tinted, shivering swimmer anonymously explained: "Do you have any idea what a sex change costs?!"

A competing theory about the source of the pollution in the Potomac has been advanced by Al Gore, recent environmentalist author and once believed to be the look-out at the oval office door while President Clinton and Ms Lewinsky played "Stain the denim dress".

Gore advanced his theory thusly: "Have you ever seen where that river runs in relation to our nation's capital.Everyone knows Washington, DC produces more bullshit than any locale except Texas!".

A WALL!!!!


In a bizarre reversal of the Pyramus and Thisbe legend, a once happy couple have decided to build a wall through their house to create an actual physical barrier. "I don't know if it's this new wall at the US-Mexico border or just my past fondness for the Berlin Wall,but one morning I just woke up and said :That's it! A wall!", Harvey Wallbanger explained.

Shirley Temple Wallbanger-Hassenpfoeffer pointed out: "It was the first thing we agreed on in thirty years".

The Wallbanger-Hassenpfoeffer children, all in their thirties, still live with their parents. Harvey Jr has decided to live with Dad because "Dad's got the best part of the house". Daughter, Petunia has chosen Mom's side of the wall since Mom's got Tivo. Youngest Nigel cannot decide so he will live for six months on each side of the wall: "The traveling and packing will be a hassle but how do you choose between your progenitors?"

An ironic twist reminiscent of the aforementioned legend is the chink in the wall designed by the couple. As Shirley put it: "When you've verbally abused each other for as long as we have ,you can't just quit cold turkey". Ho-Lee Makrol will be paid according to minimum wage laws.

When interviewed, Ho explained: "I'm happy to have the work. It pays better than most Chinese restaurants. But, I really don't understand...most married couples manage to wall each other out without needing a real wall!"

ZZZZZZZZZZZZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!


IMPEACH THE SOB!!!!!



Impeachment by the People
By Howard Zinn
The Progressive
February 2007 Issue
Courage is in short supply in Washington, D.C. The realities of the Iraq War cry out for the overthrow of a government that is criminally responsible for death, mutilation, torture, humiliation, chaos. But all we hear in the nation's capital, which is the source of those catastrophes, is a whimper from the Democratic Party, muttering and nattering about "unity" and "bipartisanship," in a situation that calls for bold action to immediately reverse the present course.
These are the Democrats who were brought to power in November by an electorate fed up with the war, furious at the Bush Administration, and counting on the new majority in Congress to represent the voters. But if sanity is to be restored in our national policies, it can only come about by a great popular upheaval, pushing both Republicans and Democrats into compliance with the national will.
The Declaration of Independence, revered as a document but ignored as a guide to action, needs to be read from pulpits and podiums, on street corners and community radio stations throughout the nation. Its words, forgotten for over two centuries, need to become a call to action for the first time since it was read aloud to crowds in the early excited days of the American Revolution: "Whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it and institute new government."
The "ends" referred to in the Declaration are the equal right of all to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." True, no government in the history of the nation has been faithful to those ends. Favors for the rich, neglect of the poor, massive violence in the interest of continental and world expansion - that is the persistent record of our government.
Still, there seems to be a special viciousness that accompanies the current assault on human rights, in this country and in the world. We have had repressive governments before, but none has legislated the end of habeas corpus, nor openly supported torture, nor declared the possibility of war without end. No government has so casually ignored the will of the people, affirmed the right of the President to ignore the Constitution, even to set aside laws passed by Congress.
The time is right, then, for a national campaign calling for the impeachment of President Bush and Vice President Cheney. Representative John Conyers, who held extensive hearings and introduced an impeachment resolution when the Republicans controlled Congress, is now head of the House Judiciary Committee and in a position to fight for such a resolution. He has apparently been silenced by his Democratic colleagues who throw out as nuggets of wisdom the usual political palaver about "realism" (while ignoring the realities staring them in the face) and politics being "the art of the possible" (while setting limits on what is possible).
I know I'm not the first to talk about impeachment. Indeed, judging by the public opinion polls, there are millions of Americans, indeed a majority of those polled, who declare themselves in favor if it is shown that the President lied us into war (a fact that is not debatable). There are at least a half-dozen books out on impeachment, and it's been argued for eloquently by some of our finest journalists, John Nichols and Lewis Lapham among them. Indeed, an actual "indictment" has been drawn up by a former federal prosecutor, Elizabeth de la Vega, in a new book called United States v. George W. Bush et al, making a case, in devastating detail, to a fictional grand jury.
There is a logical next step in this development of an impeachment movement: the convening of "people's impeachment hearings" all over the country. This is especially important given the timidity of the Democratic Party. Such hearings would bypass Congress, which is not representing the will of the people, and would constitute an inspiring example of grassroots democracy.
These hearings would be the contemporary equivalents of the unofficial gatherings that marked the resistance to the British Crown in the years leading up to the American Revolution. The story of the American Revolution is usually built around Lexington and Concord, around the battles and the Founding Fathers. What is forgotten is that the American colonists, unable to count on redress of their grievances from the official bodies of government, took matters into their own hands, even before the first battles of the Revolutionary War.
In 1772, town meetings in Massachusetts began setting up Committees of Correspondence, and the following year, such a committee was set up in Virginia. The first Continental Congress, beginning to meet in 1774, was a recognition that an extralegal body was necessary to represent the interests of the people. In 1774 and 1775, all through the colonies, parallel institutions were set up outside the official governmental bodies.
Throughout the nation's history, the failure of government to deliver justice has led to the establishment of grassroots organizations, often ad hoc, dissolving after their purpose was fulfilled. For instance, after passage of the Fugitive Slave Act, knowing that the national government could not be counted on to repeal the act, black and white anti-slavery groups organized to nullify the law by acts of civil disobedience. They held meetings, made plans, and set about rescuing escaped slaves who were in danger of being returned to their masters.
In the desperate economic conditions of 1933 and 1934, before the Roosevelt Administration was doing anything to help people in distress, local groups were formed all over the country to demand government action. Unemployed Councils came into being, tenants' groups fought evictions, and hundreds of thousands of people in the country formed self-help organizations to exchange goods and services and enable people to survive.
More recently, we recall the peace groups of the 1980s, which sprang up in hundreds of communities all over the country, and provoked city councils and state legislatures to pass resolutions in favor of a freeze on nuclear weapons. And local organizations have succeeded in getting more than 400 city councils to take a stand against the Patriot Act.
Impeachment hearings all over the country could excite and energize the peace movement. They would make headlines, and could push reluctant members of Congress in both parties to do what the Constitution provides for and what the present circumstances demand: the impeachment and removal from office of George Bush and Dick Cheney. Simply raising the issue in hundreds of communities and Congressional districts would have a healthy effect, and would be a sign that democracy, despite all attempts to destroy it in this era of war, is still alive.
--------
Howard Zinn is the author, most recently, of A Power Governments Cannot Suppress. For information on how to get involved in the impeachment effort, go to www.afterdowningstreet.org.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Bush Announces New Office of Homeland Insecurities




Inspired by the clever title of The Every Child Matters Education Foundation's latest publication:Homeland Insecurities by Michael Petit, the NO Child Left Behind President established a new cabinet level position Secretary of Homeland Insecurities. New Secretary, Linus Van Pelt, discuss some of his plans for his department:"Since our fair land is last in infant mortality,teen births,health coverage for children,death rate from child abuse and children living in poverty, we have decided to distribute millions of Homeland Insecurities Blankets as our first action step." Blankets will be made by Halliburton and sold to the government at the usual 300% mark up.

The only Presidential historian not yet caught for plagarism, DeWitt Clinton HS History Chairman Obama Baracka commented: "How appropriate that our most insecure President will go down in history with a blanket as his legacy. All that bluster and bullying is just a cover-up for a really scared human being.Once America sees the real Bush and how much like this frightened nation their President is , I think they will embrace him and support a Constitutional amendment for a third term.

Christ tells Cardinal Egan : I Will Not Be Moved!


As Cardinal "Fagin", nicknamed for his physical and spiritual resemblance to the pimp of pickpockets in Dicken's Oliver Twist, announced the closing of 21 Catholic parishes in the NY Archdiocese, Christ himself announced on his website(jcsez.luv) that He will remain truly present in the churches Egan is shutting down. The website features Christ's pronouncements at length. Entitled :If this Pharisee... The Christ in good Baptist style(after all Luke says his cousin was a baptist) delivered a ferverino to rival even Dr King who has a blog link to the savior's site. Here are some excerpts : " If this Pharisee thinks he can tell me where I can live and where I can't live , he damn better read the Bible-Stables are good enough for me and no tomb could hold me! If this Pharisee thinks I'm one of those jews who fled from the South Bronx to Co-op City or LonG Iland,he better think again!SoBro for me ,mano! If this Pharisee thinks he can treat me the way he did those Catholic HS teachers on strike to feed and house their families in the early 80's , he must be high on more than just altar wine! That's when I left his whitened sepulchres and walked the picketline for a living ,saving wage! My Papa Joe ,you know, was a union carpenter Local 3 ,Nazareth.( This last reference was to the strike -breaking tactics of "Fagin" when he headed the education dept for the archdiocese . He was once quoted as saying that the Catholic schools could run on a barebone budget because of their decentralization. A Bronx theology teacher/union rep debated him in the NY Daily News by rebutting:"Yeah , on the barebones of my four children!".
When the Mother of Christ, whose title is most often heard in NY traffic jams, was informed that Mary, Help of Christians was one of the doomed parishes ,she spoke out through her own MySpace. "Listen Fagin(we believe this is the first MySpace reserved by a semi-divine being) I once was a povety-stricken, unwed teen mom. What have you done for us lately! Save the millions on incense and pedophile lawsuit settlements and let my people in!".

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Babal Tops Golden Globes


Genesis 11 had languished on the shelves of agents,producers and directors for four millenia. To the surprise of drama and film critics the "Myth of the Tower" finally broke out and leads the list of Golden Globe winners in both the stage and screen categories.Ben Ben-Ben of the NyTimes could hardly get his laudatory exclamations out in order:"It's Fresh!It's New! It's Old ! It's Blue!".

Drama and Film critics across the world gave great acclaim to the first simultaneous release of a movie, musical and architectural feat. "Just think", architecture critic for the New Yorker, Bill"Bricks"Gnmortar exclaimed," Babel reaches for the stars from the footlights to the silver screen and now the skyline of old Mesopotamia with its twenty towers!".

Predictions of Oscars , Tony's and The Grand Erection(Architecture's less famous Gold Medal) were rampant across the pages of Variey and Architectural Digest.

In late breaking news the destruction of the Newly constructed Tower of Babel by US bombers outside Baghdad put a bit of a damper on the triple crown predicted by art critics around the world. Creator Shakespeare Rogers-Hammerstein Lloyd Wright humbly declared :"So? No hat trick!? I'll take a double-header sweep, any day!".

Barzan-US Poster Boy for Obesity


Just when US nutritionists, anorexics and bulimics were desperately looking for an object lesson down comes Barzan Ibrahim, henchman of Saddam Hussein ,also known as the Dessertman of Baghdad.Bassam Ridha ,spokesperson for the Iraqi President, apologized for not weighing Barzan:"He asked us not to weigh him.He said this was the reason he never went to Weight Watchers@. He hated being weighed and judged by others".

"When we lynched him", Iraqi Hangman and High Executioner, Texas Bobby Jo Stringimup commented:"His head just snapped off like an ear on a stalk of corn!".There was nothin' we could do.".Government officials ,trained by Bush WhiteHouse PR men began the spin almost immediately. Barzan was called"thickset" and the decapitation was called "inadvertent". Iraqi spin doctor, Mohammed Lyingdog demonstrated his proficiency after attending a Republican conference entitled: We Decide the Truth.Lyingdog created the now famous press release: The Thickset inadvertently decapitate themselves.

Meanwhile US members of STAVRE, Society for the Vehement Refusal to Eat, declared Ibrahim : The Father of All Obesity and displayed his decapitated corpse on all of their latest public service announcements. Their new slogan has appeared everywhere: "You never know when you might get hung, don't lose your head and get stung...diet like your execution is tomorrow!".

Coach Bush and the Failed Team


WASHINGTON, Jan. 16 ? "President" Bush said Tuesday that Iraq had ?fumbled? the executions of Saddam Hussein and two of his deputies, and that the government of Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki ?has still got some maturation to do.?
"Maturation to do" and "Fumbled Executions" were the harsh words Head Coach "The President" GW"Gone No Where" Bush launched at his Iraqi Quarterback Nuri Kamal Al-Maliki. "How can we go to the big game if this team can't kill tyrants in private and hang desperados without taking their goldarn heads off!", the coach was heard to scream from the closed locker room meeting.

Commentators fro throughout the world of sports were immediately speculating about the opponents in the big game. SI writer , Reilly O'Reilly predicted that the playoffs would come down to the axis of evil. ESPN pundit, O'Reilly Reilly insisted that Syria still had a chance with its new Lebanese acquisitions. Foxsports experts were holding out for dark horse ,Hezbollah, in the final run for the tape.

Coach W had only one thing to say:"Bring 'Em On ! We'll git Al-Maliki the maturation he needs and they'll be no mo' fumbles durin' executions !That's fo'dang shoore!".

Escape From New Squawk!


I decided that my last $ 75,00 dollars would not be spent on my incarceration in Lovely Acres Rest Home on December 31, 2006. With the new payment to "New Squawk" , the nickname given to this hotbed of complaining,due on New Year's Day , I knew it was time for the breakout. We'd been dreaming about it for years like the barroom denizens of O'Neil's [strong]Iceman[/strong], we had our pipe dreams too. But I resolved I'd be our Hickey and finally act on all the fantasies we palathered about.

We had a plan, Josephine, Benny and I. The night staff were either sleeping ,playing texas hold'em or holdin' each other in the laundry room. Benny had this wild goddaughter who would come faithfully every week,bad mouth his daughter for putting him in this "hellhole" and offer to break him out any time, making his escape in her bright red convertible Mustang.

Benny gave her the call and we prepared our get away. It was not without complications. Josephine needed a wheelchair to get around(confined was not a word this hot babe cottoned to), Benny was all but blind and I could hardly go ten minutes without a pee.The goddaughter -she shoulda' had a theme song- was to pull up at the loading dock at midnight.After a good long piss ,I was to push Josephine to the top of the hall north of the loading platform and then, piss again, before getting almost blind Benny to the rendezvous point.

We managed to converge on the meeting spot when things started to go wrong. I had to piss again and that slowed things down considerably. By the time I returned the two orderlies who were playin' hold'em in the laundry room had emerged fighting about somebody comin'too soon.(None of us could relate to that sexual complaint). When the disgruntled pair stumbled on our trio we thought the jig was up. Instead they were so drunk they just laughed on past us and we thought our way was clear.

That was until the card game broke up with loud accusations of cheater this and liar that. Once more we stood like three statues in the hall and hoped our "caretakers" would not notice. Sure enough ,thanks to Lady Gin or one of her other royal inebriant family members,we went unnoticed.

We were just 50 feet from the loading dock,the angelic goddaughter and her sweet red chariot when a fire alarm sounded! Residents,staff,visiting poker players and pok'em players ran for the exits. Blind Benny noticed this was our chance."Let's book",he screamed ,and wheelchair,blindman and wildly steering and guiding "me" ran ,pushed and struggled for the loading dock door. It was locked , apparently an automatic result of the fire alarm.

Just when we thought our escape was foiled , Benny saw the way out. "Isn't there an emergency release on the electronic door?", he asked from his years of loading dock experience. Sure enough there was a button labeled exactly what the blind man envisioned. Pushing the button with her cane,Josephine released the door just as a shiny red rescue vehicle pulled up to the ramp.

A tie-died savior leaped from the driver's side door and before we knew it Josephine, wheelchair and cane, blind Benny,beloved godfather, and little old me were off and running from Lovely Acres,leaving our aches ,pains and squawking complaints behind and on our way to wherever my last $75,000.and two good friend's social security would take us ,courtesy of a rainbow-haired angel in a Godsend of a red ch

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Cloven-Foot Trump Honored On Walk Of fame!!!



In one of the greatest honors offered to a beast , "The Donald" Trump was allowed to imprint his trotter into the wet cement on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Expert Hollywood observers were pressed hard to recall an equal honor to such an animal. Trigger's hoof, Rin-Tin-Tin's paw, Arnold's pig's feet were all mentioned as possible parallels to the print of Trump's extremity.

Gossip columnists and media moguls were asked why Trump was asked to take part in this prestigious ceremony. Most shrugged their shoulders as if to weep: "Who the Fuck knows?!". Others protested his inclusion with words unprintable about his imprint. One semi-brave commentator ventured a guess as long as he could remain anonymous:"Trump is Trump...his name sounds like tramp,his life would embarass anyone with any pride and still he holds his head up high...This is what greatness represents in the post-post modern era..."

The Contnuing Story of Buster and the Baby Angel



Buster and The Baby Angel


Chapter One

No, Fuckhead.

Chapter Two

Buster Fuckhead had spent most of his entire natural life trying to make people laugh. Not because he believed in bringing joy or happiness to others. It was just that he loved to see the deformed faces of laughing people . The wide open mouth - the stretched skin of the face -the tilted back head- the flared nostrils and those crazy Shar-Pei wrinkles. The shaking torso and the absurd sounds like jack and jane asses in heat! Laughter for Buster revealed the true foolishness of the human animal and the revelation of ridiculousness was what he thrived on. Call him sarcastic , call him cynical he would have confessed in a heartbeat and gloried in that blatant admission of guilt. That is until the day he met the Baby Angel.

Chapter Three

The Baby Angel seemed ageless and moved as if gravity had little hold on her. How this ancient comedian's and such a being 's paths crossed will probably never be explained.But alot of life's crisses and crosses will always remain obscured in mystery . This star crossed and crissed couple found themselves on a roadside contemplating a flattened bike tire in the propitious presence of a dirty old minivan with room enough for a disabled bike , a vision of sweetness and a cruddy old clown . The van belonged to the abandoned past of a cast away comic. The bike to the girl . The stop was occasioned by a rare moment of clarity and an even more unusual occurrence of kindness (or was it lust) in the mind of the usually distracted Buster.And so our story begins with a devilish chauffeur, a two wheeled(one flat) companion and a rescued angel aboard a shaky ,aged ,creaking craft.

Chapter Four

Dear reader, no doubt you have wondered what kind of parents would bestow upon a helpless child such a derisive appellation as Buster Fuckhead. Well I'm glad you asked or at least I' m glad I asked you to ask. You see this was no helpless child even from the start.Even as a fetus the kicking and odd tickling sensations his mother experienced throughout this excruciating pregnancy caused mother and dad to refer to this torturous in utero life form as " a real buster!". Night and day the cursed bearer of this far from blessed event would be twisting up her face in all manner of grotesque expressions. Emitting bedeviling braying sounds La Senora Fuckhead(her Mexican heritage) cooljerked and salsa-ed her way to Buster's birthday. Perhaps his male gender was one of the few tender mercies life bestows; for one could only imagine the fate of a girl child dubbed Buster.The sirname Fuckhead has a somewhat more complicated etymology. Its original form from the Anglo-Saxon was Fuerken hede. A geneological search conducted by a Fuckhead Mormon ancestor-yes, the Fuckhead family tree was overgrown with branches from most of this world's religions and some seemingly otherworldly Weltanschaaungs- uncovered a brutal Anglo-Saxon warlord named Schicken Fuerkenhede. The name was given to him according to legend at the Battle of Bievertalle where it was reported that Schicken savagely pierced(that's the verb ,fuerken,) the skulls(hede) of his dying victims with a corkscrew- like lance of his own sadistic fashioning. The tales that were told of the horrifying countenances forever fixed on the physiognomy of these unfortunates terrified young and old alike .Schicken the Skull-Piercer became one of the most feared warriors and later, dreaded rulers of the land.He was known particularly for the insane tortures he devised for the court jesters who failed to amuse him.

Chapter Five

Perhaps there will be occasion for more passages to the past or even forays into the future but for now let us return to the sun-bleached Mercury Villager that for a change was actually moving under its own steam( Sometimes it takes a village to push the Villager). Our trio was on their way to the Vicious Cycle, the town's cheapest bike repair shop, Buster nervously chattering about the usual nothings-his were rarely sweet and never whispered- the bike , Paz en la tierra y buen voluntad a todos was her full name,lay nursing her punctured rear and the baby Angel in what resembled her characteristic lotus position was the picture of serenity as she seemed to stroke the wounded Paz.Upon arriving at the rundown shop, gentleman that he was suddenly trying to be, Buster carried the bike into the store. Seconds later he appeared to beg for money to pay for the repair. He took the lovely lady's saddlebag from the van and awaited the repair in the shop.While rummaging for the wallet - a striking genuine white and black dappled Jersey cowhide repository for cash, cards and all manner of memorabilia- Buster came across what appeared to be a diary. After checking to see if he was being watched over by his angelic passenger, the always curious comic read the following randomly selected passage:
"Will I ever feel at home here? I know others try and I try hard too but too often strange is all I feel...." The nosey clown - his was bright red but from gin- chose another page: "I am working on perkiness and it is harder than you would think. I say to myself OK now get out a bed and think perky but it is so cold on these desert mornings and it is soooo toasty under the nice warm covers that all my perky intentions just, well, unperk!" From the poignant to the peculiar,our usually calloused card found himself slightly charmed by the seraphic script in the dime store diary of the child-like cherub at meditative rest in his filthy van.

Another Motivational Moment and a DWBJ

Monday, January 15, 2007

CIRCUMCISIONS FOR EVERYBODY!!!!!!!


The NY Times brutally devalued the work of thousands of vaccine researchers at the most prestigious Medical research universities and laboratories today by discrediting their work thus far on an HIV vaccine as "an utter failure!".Science Editor,Sy Eddie Cutitoff, wrote in a recent Science Times Editorial:"What a waste! Millions of dollars and trillions of lab hours not to mention the mountain-ous piles of dead lab animals, the broken marriages and the nervous breakdowns, the sleepless nights and the vain dreams of Nobel Prize speeches and no vaccine in sight!". "Just Cut it off!", (Cutitoff asked forgiveness for the bad pun), Cutitoff said in reference to the foreskin." "Everyone knows it by now, no foreskin ,no Hiv,no Hiv, No AIDS!".

The Absolutely Positive HIV Vaccine Researchers Union(HIV+RU?)denounced the Times for its facile reliance on an ancient religious ritual. Virologist Extraordinaire, Harvard researcher, Thomas "Bughunter" Rogers said:" I couldn't believe it! I know the Bush administration reaches conclusion by faith and ignores science but not the NY Times!".

In a related story ,Moiles, Jewish Circumcizers , have reported an incredible increase in demand even and especially in the inner cities. Moshe Sharpener exclaimed: "I've never been so busy in my life! I'm lopping off foreskins,Gentile and Jew alike, like there's no tomorrow! Oy Kibbible! Some of those Schwarze schlongs! It's a days woirk!".

RED SOX In 2090!!!!!!!!!!!


Red Sox management and on-field manager and coaches agree that a World Series Championship in 2090 is a worthy goal. "Just do the math ,1918,2004,2090-it's 86 years and the way our team has been playing we may very well make it before then,"Red Sox die-hard fan Sandy"ILUVVARITEK"Rogers exclaimed at an internet Red Sox rally.

A source in the Red Sox front office laid out the plan:" We're looking at about a half-century of rebuilding...that takes us to to about 2060. After that we expect to be out of the cellar for the next decade or two. Then a dozen or so years of mediocre ball but after that hold on to your hats ...We'll be back in contention by 2085. By then we'll be ready to strip those Yankees of their 50 year streak of WS Championships".

NFL Work Stoppage!!!


"It's not just about the QB!" was the chant of striking linebackers and linesmen during their demonstration outside the NFL President's office. "We're sick and tired of the camera following the ball", screamed a NFL linesman who wishes to remain anonymous,"Football is more than just carrying a pigskin down the field. We're bustin'our butts out there and all the announcers talk about is :'1st doown! TD!!!".

When union rep for the new Federation of Quintessential Barriers(FQB),I.L Shoudamoney was asked about labor strategies he seemed to be playing coy:"You just watch and see what happens at the SuperBowl if our members don't start getting some more camera time. Let's just say that there will be some QB ass with lots of green grass stains!".

When Shoudamoney was reminded that a work stoppage of his union members would mean that offense and defense would not be doing their usual jobs he admitted that that detail in their plan still needed some fine tuning.

DWBJ Task Force Sucks One Up!!!


It was just a matter of time before NYPD's new cracker-jack DWBJ task force would make their first bust. After a boring week of reeling in some driving while drunk, text messaging, eating Big Macs and a few shavers and eye shadowers a DWBJ finally was spotted on the radar.
Sgt Chris "Bronxbomber" Rogers was the first member of the task force to get suspicious:" Half the drivers in NYC swerve and look dazed but this guy was something special! Up the curb at Fordham Road, through the light at Pelham Parkway and right onto Fordham University Rosehill Campus".

Officers on the task force approached the vehicle with extreme caution and weapons drawn. They called in the "Ghetto Bird" and a helicopter as well. What they found troubled even the most experienced members of the new task force."We were told to expect some pretty rough stuff in training", Rogers offered ," But this was triple XXX!".

" Let's just say" added Lt. H. Hefner, after head of the DWBJ task force Rogers needed to be excused,I've seen plenty in my day-Filthy Sanchez, Alpine Alley-oop, Bareskin Barracuda-pretty much all of it but this couple took the cake and there was even some cannoli involved...I'll leave the rest to your imagination!".

When Rogers returned from his "break", we asked him what he thought the consequences of this behavior would be. "Well, let's just say there'll be noooo pregnancy and these two will be going away for a loooong time!".

TANK PISSER!!!!!


DATELINE BEIJING, Jan 15 - The father of a US family visiting China was arrested for urinating on a tank in Tianamen Square today. Witnesses said he was screaming: "Free Tibet" while he relieved himself against the tank treads of one of the People's Republic of China's military vehicles.

In an attempt to prevent the arrest, his family was heard to claim that the man suffered from uromycitisis a rare urinary tract ailment that requires immediate evacuation of the bladder . The disability they were heard to protest was well known in the US since it was popularized on a famous Seinfeld episode.

Chinese authorities would have nothing to do with this strange alibi and the apprehended offender was heard, while being dragged away kicking and screaming,to say something about how his friend went to school with the son of the Chinese ambassador to Hong Kong or maybe it was the Hong Kong ambassador to China but either way, boy, would they regret this violation of human rights.

Amid the laughter of the throng in the square, observers were heard to comment on the weak bladder of the funny round-eyed man. In a subsequent interview with the family most members agreed that the arrest was probably for the best and that they thought a re-education camp would probably do him a world of good. At any rate they would certainly enjoy the rest of their vacation without having to deal with him and his frequent bathroom stops.

CHICKENFAT RULES!!!!



Chicken fat is now all the rage as a replacement sourcem of oil that can be transformed into fuel. Entrepreneurs are gambling on establishing fuel plants in close proximity to chicken processing plants to take advantage of this new source of energy. Perdue Farms CEO, Mohammed Akbar has already begun to declare his position of power in the new oil -producing field. From his office in Raleigh, NC , he recently announced his plans to create a rival to petroleum rich OPEC. CFPEC will prove to the world that chicken fat is king!

KFC kingpin , Col. Sanders Jr. , declared that he and his Chicken fat empire will have nothing to do with the radical terrorist animal fat movement. " The Colonel has always been a loyal member of the Confederacy and we pledge that every ounce of our cholesterol will be devoted to the slogan:" The South shall rise again!"

Military experts believe that this new source of energy and the conflicts it is already provoking may indicate the next fields of battle on which the energy-hungry nations of the world will meet. In a related story, the Chinese government has announced its plan to require everyone of its 2 billion citizens to begin raising chickens. Much Cluck , Beijing-based Minister of Energy commented: " Soon , who will need petroleum!".

DWBJ OUTLAWED WITH OTHER DW"S


An Arizona legislator has proposed legislation that would outlaw driving while texting. this creative idea has given rise to an explosion of new driving restrictions across the globe:

DWE&D-Driving While Eating And/Or Drinking

DWR- Driving While Reading

DWLH- Driving While Listening to Headphones

DWBJ- UCNFGRITOUT!

On the international scene,Rickshaw drivers are being limited from numerous traditional practices while gondoliers find themselves restricted in ways they have never dreamt of.Drivers are not taking this lying down(though DWLD has also been outlawed). The International Union of Drivers, also known as Drivers Who Insist( DWI) are lobbying legislatures across the world to regain their ability to operate their vehicles however they please(DHTP)!

The Mystery in the Haunted Mansion


Scooby-Doo creator and and Lily Munster go to their heavenly reward

In an odd coincidence the cartoon animator who created Scooby-Doo and Yvonne DeCarlo the actress who played Lily Munster were found dead together in an haunted mansion . The cartoon amateur detectives were called to the haunted mansion to investigate the circumstances of their creator's death. After questioning Herman , Eddie,Grandpa and Marilyn, Super-Sleuths from Scooby-Doo couldn't come up with a clue without their canine clue-sniffing comrade, the recently late Scoob.
It's possible that other distractions slowed the usually swift crew who always solved crimes in 30 minutes and that's not counting commercials. Fred blamed Daphne and Velma for being "off task" in Daphne's trailer. Shaggy Rogers said:" Nooo ccccomment, dddude" amid a suspicious cloud of sweet-smelling smoke.
Herman too distraught to talk after Lily's passing sat alone in a prescription drug-induced stupor. Grandpa who died years ago was very little help . Eddie and Marilyn( Pat Priest) were caught " in flagrante delicto" in one of the many upstairs bedrooms .Members of the Adams family were on the list of usual suspects but all had reasonable alibis except for "Thing" who claimed that he never left his box and his hand was involved with himself at the time of death.
To the shock of all involved Scooby-Doo appeared on the scene( He hadn't died . He escaped from the local ASPCA just before the euthanasia) He of course cracked the case. the culprit was Beverly Owen , the very first actress to play Marilyn. Scooby tripped over her in a dark hallway and she confessed . Her love obsession with Scooby's Creator and his passionate love affair with Yvonne De Carlo was more than she could take!

KRAUTHAMMER _ANOTHER UNSCIENTIFIC NEO_CON!!!


If Charles Krauthammer's logic and research skills are any example of the quality of Neo-con analysis , no wonder the US is in such dire straits! Krauthammer tells us in a recent op-ed piece that stem-cell research has been "aided by the president's stance", a very cautious approach to when stem-cells may be used for research. His "proof" is the discovery of possible stem-cells in amniotic fluids . This celebration is at best i pre -mature and at worst careless.
Dr George Daley, Harvard University stem -cell researcher, said that the discovery shouldn't be used as a replacement for human embryonic stem-cell research . Daley continued: " While they(amniotic stem cells) are fascinating subjects of study..., they are not a substitute for human embryonic stem cells which allow scientists to address a host of other interesting questions in early human development". Krauthammer notes no medical experts in his jejune jump on the bandwagon. Not a big surprise since scientific rigor has rarely been involved in recent right-wing political stances from contraception to global warming.

TEPFA UNITE!!!!!!!


With the rising popularity of ethanol made from fermented corn mash, the price of Mexican tortillas, animal feed, US pig farmers rely on to fatten their livestock and alot of drunks whose primary source of nutrition comes from corn mash related products are finding themselves in a bind.

This has led to the formation of TEPFD: the alliance of tortilla eaters, pig farmers and drunks. This new union is fighting to keep the price of corn down while energy hungry countries across the world are seeking new , cleaner sources of fuel.

One solution in the mix is the possible use of the left-over mash from the fermentation process to feed livestock . Seagrams Inc has shown interest in this alternative since the alcohol-saturated mash could keep the poor and the drunken drunk and promote a very happy pig. Unfortunately since alcohol kills the poor, the drunk and the porcine, other answers to the dilemma are being sought.

One exciting new idea is the use of animal fat to manufacture bio- fuel. This is not without its problems, however. Mexico already makes most of its food with lard so the TE part of the alliance is out. Pig farmers are in since their product is mostly animal fat anyway and drunks don't really care since...well, they're drunk any way.

Researchers continue to seek a solution and the TEPFD alliance hopes to keep eating and drinking till that day arrives.

Pointer's motivational moments: It's what makes you come and what makes you go!

Friday, January 12, 2007

Raytheon Reverses its Policy on Firing Retards

In its attempt to navigate between the Scylla of Arizon'a new higher minimum wage and the Charybdis of a two month long strike, Raytheon CEO, Odysseus Ofthecraftymind announced his plan to hire as many mentally retarded replacement workers as possible.

"We're calling this SCAB (Strategical Corporate Alternative Bomb). We've been told that bomb doesn't make much sense in the title bit since all we make is bombs and bomb is in the title of all our other plans we thought what the heck": Ofthecraftymind explained. It is hoped that SCAB will kill two birds with one bomb, a leaked corporate memo reads:

"We get to shut up the retard lobby and burn the asses of those strikers at the same time.It's our very own Trojan Horse." (Our editors believe this to be a reference to the new equine condom produced to stem the spread of EIV, a virulent virus plaguing the world-wide horse community).

"Heck", floor foreman Telemachus Thebrave commented, "I could never understand what those engineers and physicists were jammering about. And besides, it'll be great to have those goofy bastards back. They're a regular barrel of clowns".

International Machinists Local 933 spokesperson Hector Theproud could hardly contain his rage at an emergency union meeting: "Workers of the World unite! You have nothing to lose but your 401k's, HMO's, Life Insurance and a damn good $15. per hour staring salary!"

Rumor has it that striking workers are taking IQ tests in an attempt to score some of the SCAB jobs. Long lines are forming at testing centers all over Tucson causing tremendous delays. Things have gotten so bad that some rich parents are worried that they will not be able to obtain untimed testing status for their children taking the next SAT.

RPFF, a national advocacy group ( Rich Parents For Freetime) attacked the strikers scheme and deplored the lack of integrity in Americam labor. A striker who'd been on line for hours after traveling from one testing center to another was heard to complain; "This Odyssey is going to kill me if i don't get home soon!"

Hiring 'Retards' just got too expensive

Giant corporations like Raytheon Corporation whose slogan is "We bring evil things to death" have decided that the new minimum wage increase in Arizona has out-priced them out of the "persons with disabilities" market.

Raytheon CEO and former professional wrestler Killer Kywolski commented: "We used to love to hire those goofy clowns but now Arizona wants us to pay them a living wage! If I gotta pay the full ride I might as well hire one of Arizona's many illegal aliens or their numerous high school drop outs.

"They won't be as funny as the "tards" but at least they'll be able to take themselves to the bathroom and we won't have to erase all the crazy shit those retards used to scrawl on our missiles.

"One time this really duh guy drew Bart Simpson on the missile shell with him writing his after-school blackboard punishment that read: I MUST NOT BOMB INNOCENT CIVILIANS. It took us hours to get that crap off the missile before we could sell it to the government so they could drop it on who knows who!

"We're gonna miss those dumbbells but business is business and all's fair in war and war!"

Yankees Exercise Litte Known Return Policy

Yankee owner and CEO (Commandante Executive Officer) George Steinbrenner has decided that he will invoke the little known return clause in Randy Johnson's contract. "Let's just say ,it didn't fit," Commandant Steinbrenner commented." He's in just about the same condition since we bought him or even better," Steinbrenner offered alluding to the Yankee financed back surgery. "Look I've still got the receipt if anybody wants to see it," The pugnacious commandant threatened.

Diamondback officials were heard to murmur about the date of purchase and whether the original packaging was available. " How can they think we can take this return! Receipt or not , it's been years since the purchase and we haven't seen piece one of the original packaging. How can they expect us to resell this product or even return it to the manufacturer after all this time and no box!"

Johnson's take on all this was to say: "I can't believe George kept the receipt after all these years. I may have the box up in the attic in Phoenix. I'll go wherever they send me. Shit millions of dollars and performance doesn't even matter...It's almost as good as being a CEO!".

TheSpoof.com Censored My Story!

TheSpoof.com's tyrannical editors changed a word in a recent article, causing widespread anger and outrage. In a particularly tasteful piece about Raytheon's refusal to pay Arizona's new minimum wage to their mentally retarded employees, satirical author Pointer referred to the mentally challenged workers as "goofy bastards".

Clearly this was a cinematic reference to the film classic, [strong]What about Mary[/strong], a poignant modern retelling of how Mary of Nazareth gave birth to a retarded Jesus.

In the film, Joseph the step -father of the delayed Christ child affectionately refers to him as, "You goofy bastard". Some spoof editor missed the reference and changed the word "bastard " to "clown".

"This is an outrage", Pointer was quoted saying to himself (since no one has listened to him for at least a decade now which is why he is reduced to sending his lame little jokes to freed internet humorzines). We tried not to hear the rest of the rant but considering Pointer's use of a megaphone this proved to be in vain. It seemed to go something like this:

"Clown? I didn't write clown! I wrote bastard cause bastard is what St Joe said to his DD boy savior. He called him a bastard because of the illegitimacy of his birth since God the Father provided the y- chromsome to join with Mary's x-chromosome. That's why he's goofy! Heavenly DNA and Earthly DNA , even if there has been an Immaculate Conception, results obviously in retardation! How else could we explain the ridiculous belief in non-violence, simple living ,social involvement, heartfelt worship and love over law!"

Fortunately the police arrived and dragged the ole hunting dawg away to his comfortable little padded cell that he occupies now and again at St Joseph and Mary's Home for Odd Fellows...poor goofy bastard!

Army Calls up Dead and Wounded for Service in Iraq

US Army sent re-enlist letters on the day after Christmas to 75 dead and 200 wounded Iraq War veterans, giving new meaning to the Army of the Dead.

December 26 is honored as the Feast of the Massacre of the Innocents remembering the story from Matthew's Gospel where Herod kills all babies of 1 year or less to try and destroy the prophesied Messiah. When reminded of this coincidence, paraplegic LT Bob Upndown even found time for a little levity. I guess Herod was more merciful than King George, Herod only killed people 1X.

Us Army spokesperson,Capt. Bubbles La Due tried to explain: "Look when you have this many dead and wounded do you know how hard it is to keep track!? Some of the things those families said to me on the phone after receiving our letter did not, let's say, reflect the Christmas spirit. Marine spokesperson, Bunny La Reaux, refused to admit this was an error: " Once a Marine always a Marine, Semper Fi!"

Always on the look out for a conspiracy, professional liberal, Michael Moore exhorted: "Can't you see what they are doing?! It's another fraud perpetrated by Bush, Cheney and Haliburton! If you send dead people to war then you don't have to count them in the list of fatalities when they get killed. You can use the same body bag and coffin so it's big savings for W and his filthy rich comrades!"

The army will draft an apology to the families and is asking the public for some suggestions on what this letter might look like. Capt La Due was quoted as saying off the record: "We fucked this up so bad, even The Spoof 's writers could do better..."

Bra Saves Florida Woman's...Life!


While watching a spectacular New Year's Eve fireworks display a Florida woman discovered that an errant bullet fired in the air in celebration of the approaching New Year was caught in her bra. "Wonder of wonders!" She exclaimed, "I could have lost my...life!"

The .45 caliber bullet did slightly tear into her skin and she required a few stitches but the majority of the bullet remained supported by the brassiere.

Responses to this miracle of miracles have been numerous and varied. US Army representatives are very interested in the bra as possible body armour in Iraq. When asked if the device would be issued to men as well, the Army response was to say that Seinfeld had already overdone that joke.

The anti-Feminist organization, Women Aglow, issued a statement saying this was proof the good Lord favored this particular undergarment and wasn't this young lady thankful to the Lord she wasn't one of those 60's Bra-burners or those sluts who go without!

The NRA celebrated this event by unveiling its new slogan : Guns don't kill...people; not even bullets kill...people. NRA spokesperson, Alyssa Sierra Nevada did remind its membership that this must not have been one of the NRA endorsed armour piercing bullets or this would have been one flat...person.

Cards, letters,e-mails and even marriage proposals have been inundating the Florida home. The young lady sends her thanks for the show of concern and promises she will never fire her gun in the air again!

Forget SAT, ACT, New Hot # is BMI


Schools across America are adopting a new practice to fight childhood obesity. Forget the days of schoolyard bullying and taunting, now your fatass son or immense daughter can be humiliated by a letter from the Principal's office.

Parents are being notified on a regular basis of their child's BMI (Body Mass Index). Since the fat apple doesn't fall far from the extra-large tree, dumpy dad and magnum mom get to be reminded of how their obese genes and their ravenous appetites are plaguing the next generation ,even while they are taking care of their diabetic, heart diseased gigantor elderly parents and beginning to experience the deadly consequences of their own ocean-liner-sized bodies.

The idea for sending home an FPA (Fat Point Average) was first suggested by fitness expert, Jack Armstrong the VII. In an interview with Education Week Magazine, Armstrong told how he came up with the idea:

"True, Great-Great etc Grampa was a 90lb weakling who got sick of getting sand kicked in his face by muscular beach bullies while he sat on his beach blanket with the hottest babes in the world. You all know how this experience drove him to invent a tremendously successful fitness program advertised on the back cover of every comic book right near the sea monkeys ad (remember those cute little buggers with castle and the sea monkey king, but I digress). Anyway, our family got so rich off of the profits we all developed serious weight problems. Well, one time in CCD (Confraternity of Christian Doctrine) classes, a letter from the Religious education Director arrived in our home. The letter was the usual grade end report card but scrawled on the back of the letter were the words- Jack Armstrong is a LARDASS!!

"Well, my parents were furious and boy was I embarrassed. Later we found out that the Director had some students stuff the envelopes and they must have thought it would be funny to tease me about my weight problem. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. From that day on I dieted and exercised until I was the same magnificent specimen of fitness as my ancestor."

When asked by the interviewer if he ever found out who wrote the insult, Jack answered that he sure did and kicked sand in everyone of their wise ass faces!

Armstrong figures these BMI letters will have the same life transforming effect that the "Lardass letter" had on him. He also added that students interested in greater fitness could find his new program advertised on the back of comic books everywhere right next to the ad for the new, improved sea monkeys.

In a related story, students have taken to kicking sand in the faces of school principals right around end of the year report card time.

Henpecked.com


The website, HenPecked.com, has admitted to being inspired by The Spoof to include a points system to rate the severity of henpeckedness. Previously henpecked simply included tales of wifely nagging and subtle torment and domination. Now because of the influence of The Spoof points are being awarded to the stories of husbandly suffering according to the degree of pain and humiliation.

"We realized that not all henpeckedness is created equal and have taken pointers from Pointer, who claims to be the most henpecked of all, and his new favorite website The Spoof. It's all about points, Pointer wrote us and at first we thought it was just his usual unusually bloated ego. But then we got it! It's true nothing matters if there aren't ratings and/or points involved. Sports without points, runs etc?? Movies without ratings, Oscars -mean nada!":rambled Sir Walter Mittyrand, the British-German CEO of henpecked.com.

Mittyrand has released the top ranked tales of henpeckanation in the latest issue of his print magazine based on hie webzine which was inspired originally by his blognovel titled " [strong]Rip my heart out you ungrateful bitch[/strong]". #3 on the list is the woeful narrative of the plumber with two broken arms whose darling wife regularly reminds him of how badly he has failed at work and how her own sinks are all clogged and she has had to take a young lover just to preserve her sanity.

#2 is the pitiful picaresque novella of the brave astronaut whose lovely spouse constantly e-mails him and text messages him while he is in space about how he never spends time with her and how she was stuck cleaning the Olympic-size swimming pool until she found two Adonis -like pool boys who have quieted all of her anxiety and tension complete with e-mailed pictures of the three of them relieving each others stress in the jacuzzi with one video entitled: Spagazmssssss.

The winning entry this week came from an Iraq war Marine who is on his seventh re-up. His dedication to his country and democracy in the Middle East will be featured in President Bush's State of the Union address this year.His dear one writes him daily asking him why he can't be more like her father who single handedly won the Seven Day's War on behalf of Israel and only missed one Sabbath while defeating his Muslim enemy and saving his God-Chosen Nation from destruction.

HenPecked.com has already seen a quadrupling in its hits and a tripling in its contributions since instituting the point system. " Pointer and his new spoofriends sure had it right" , Mittyrand shared with us until his wife grabbed the phone from him and told us he had lost his cellphone privileges for a month. Henpecked.com has been temporarily suspended according to an anonymous message on its home screen with a graphic depiction of an infamous member of Johm Wayne Bobicks' 1st marriage.

Fity Cent Replaced By Dollahnchanj


The music world has been rocked by the surprising emergence of Asian Indian- American rap star, Dollahnchanj. Born in the Scarsdale ghetto the newest, latest golden record rap idol appeared as if out of nowhere,man and the throngs of rap fans can only scream: "Hello Dollah!". "Chanji" as his closest homies call him was an honors student since preschool.

"Dis Dude did calculus in the second grade and he never missed a day of school", bragged his closest homeboy Siddartha Gupta. "Dollah never had it easy", added Gupta's sister, Indira, rumored to be Chanji's main bitch, "Neither parents had Ph.D's and there had never been an M.D. in the family!"

None of these obstacles, that would have sent a lesser man into a life of crime and drugs, stopped Govinda Rafsanjani, Dollah's name before his rapster daze. Instead Dollahnchanj has taken the difficult threads of his life and woven them into a steel-hard tapestry of hardcore life from the affluent back alleys of affluent Westchester.

His first album, [strong]"No Ivy League for Ma' Daddy"[/strong] chronicles his own father's rise from a lower Westchester suburb to the Scarsdale mansion where he suffered the desperation of upper-middle class immigrant America.

Myron Kvetch, Govinda's first music teacher , explained: "This young man played "Fur D'Lise " with more passion than a Mississippi blues man". "I used to say he sold his soul to the devil at the crossroads when I saw him in the Scarsdale High marching band wailing away on the tuba": was all his HS band director, Dr J.P. Seuss could say.

Many theorize that his second hit album [strong]Starz n Strippers fo' foever [/strong] was secretly dedicated to his HS mentor. The inscription reads:" 2Seuss whose noose is still aroung myGDNeck!, lovya,JP".

After being unseated as rap king of the known world, Fity Cent has been unusually gracious: " Yo, ma bro, dot not feather, whether he be fo' oh in' o disatation-writin',I got his back ,back-stabbin' injun!" Those closest to Dollahnchanj are whisperin' that the next big thang from our scarred bro from Scarsdale will be called "A-A-Ain't 2Proud to BIG" a rapopera based on his struggle in the Priceton Review SAT prep course after failing to get a perfect score on his college board exams.

Rock n Roll Hall of Fame snubs The Stooges


NY Times reported that some hopefuls for the Hall fell short: "Nominees who did not make the cut this year include Chic, the Dave Clark Five, the Stooges and Joe Tex."

Our reporter sought out the loser's side of the story and scored big with these comments from spiteville. Chic was nonplussed by their rejection and lead singer, Foghorn Leghorne was quoted as saying: " I say...I say can't a chic get a fair shake!?".

The DC5 were all dead so their response was basically a no comment. Joe Tex thought for sure that this failure to recognize his musical greatness was due to the nation's new hatred of everything from Texas: "The irony is I come from the same affluent Maine suburb as W. !".

The biggest surprise was registered by The Stooges. Curley, obviously drowning his disappointment could barely slur: "Gna...Gna...gnaaa". Moe threatened to poke the judges' eyeballs out and Larry was seen cowering in a corner fearfully awaiting Moe's displaced rage.

Shemp was the only graceful loser of the night (if you don't count the DC5 cadavers). He said he would like tom thank the judges for at least remembering that he was one of the stooges. Curley Joe had no comment from his padded cell in the WC Field's Hospital for the Comically Insane.

BUSH LIBERRY


Bush reading The Pet goat



Southern Methodist University professors are protesting the building of the George W Bush Presidential Library on their campus.Dean John Wayne Crockett led the fight : "We , Southern Methodists differentiated ourselves from the Methodist Church in the 19th Century by our support of a Biblical foundation for the morality of human bondage. One gigantic boo-boo per millennium is enough for us!"

Professor of Library Science, Dr. Gaither Fines wondered aloud: "Does the President know you put books in a library? Maybe a Presidential Museum dedicated to implements for clearing brush would be more fitting..."

Bush defenders on campus decried the liberal elitist snobbery.Many claimed that there are plenty of very valuable comic book collections and copies of "The Pet Goat" Storybook 1, by Siegfried Engelmann and Elaine C. Bruner (ISBN 0-02-686355-3) have become priceless since September 11, 2001. "Coloring books are art!" declared a Neo-Con Art Professor of Paint by Numbers.

Bush is staying away from this debate according to sources close to the President. The only leaked remark came from a distant relative attending one of the President's frequent BBQs in the oval office: "George said the fuss was ridiculous! Didn't they know he married a liberrian?"

Strange Catholic Trinity of Love


In one of the most unusual crime stories of the century, three bodies were found in the resource room of St Salvatore Pointius HS this week. At first everyone including the police were stumped by the grizzly discovery. Little by little, facts began to emerge casting revelatory light on the tragic scene.

The story begins with a Modern Language Chairman,his uncanny resemblance to Don Quijote and incredible stress resulting from his efforts to be more professional. As with the "dried brain syndrome" Cervantes attributed to Sr Quijana , the chairman began to imagine that he was a knight errant. Students later recalled how he would refer to his old truck as Rocinante and how he often marched about the class with a pointer tucked under his arm in lancer-like fashion.

The second player in the tragedy proved to be a very un-Sancho Panza -like colleague. Called Profe by himself and everyone he could persuade to use this nickname, this dynamic language acquisition specialist was obsessed with yoga and wine "tasting". Together they seemed a harmless pair jaunting across the Language dept countryside to the amusement of students and the aggravation of the more professional administration.

Until that is when, entered a young, incredibly beautiful new Spanish teacher. This Dulcinea 's great pulchritude sowed insidious seeds of dissension between Don Q and the muscular Sancho. Each, it appears plotted and planned to capture the heart of the fair lady until the fateful day when each agreed to help the damsel in distress achieve the impossible dream of perfect computer unit plans.

It was there in the dank, dark resource room that our knight and his squire must have come to blows over the love of their lady. Both, it seems, killed each other with the sharp plastic edges of the school's Catholic values statement once hung on the wall of the room.

As for Dulcinea, her suicide note read that she couldn't figure out what was the story with these two old delusional fools but having failed to complete her unit lesson plans for the 25th time she chose to join them in death rather than face the wrath of her very professional supervisor.

HELP US PLAY!


In an unusual public-private partnership, the city is developing a playground near the South Street Seaport that will have trained "play workers" on hand to help children interact with features of the new playground: water, ramps, sand and specially designed objects meant to spur the imagination. NYTIMES1/9/07

Enter the HGWellian timemachine to the future of these play-challenged children and imagine their more grown up needs...

In a now very usual situation sex partners of the "Help us Play" generation are now pleading for "sex play workers". Mrs. Madonna Britney Jlow insists:" I have no idea how our parents did it-sex on your own!- How primitive...it must have been exhausting!" Travolta Cruise rejoined: " We couldn't do a thing without our PlayPal@ , the trademark name of one of the most popular NYC sex help agencies."

PlayPals@, UnCheckmates@ and countless other sexual assistance services are pressed hard to supply the Aid workers required by todays couples. " If it weren't for Fandango , we would never have figured out how to make out at the movies: Teen couple , 1234 and her partner 4321( I guess opposites still attract). "How did they do all the math in those olden days without our PassionPartner@ we would never have figured out that ^( thing!" " Nevermind the foreign language twists, PassionPartner knew all about the Filthy Sanchez and the Alpine Ally oop.

BU L.L. Shiite was the only interviewee who had anything negative to sat about sex play workers: "Call me old fashion but I just never got used to leaving the good ole let's just screw behind! And when Hillary Oprah left me for that GD sex player from ScrewBallz@ I don't think I ever will!"

SHIITE FLIGHT!


In a bizarre return to US domestic relations of the 1950's, Iraq is undergoing an amazingly similar phenomenon. Calling it Shiite Flight, Iraqi Shiites are moving away from the cities of Iraq because of the influx of American soldiers.

Abdul Hussein remarked to the local Baghdad Bugle: "I don't know about you but I do not want to raise my children around these people. They all dress the same in those strange blotchy tan clothes."

Hussein's wife, Kalipha, added: "And they carry all kinds of weapons out in the open!'

Other complaints about the new American immigrants are that they eat food out of strange pouches and listen to all kinds of odd music. Others added that they do not practice the one , true faith and they drive around in really noisy gigantic vehicles. "Do you want your children marrying these outsiders?", queried Sadamm Safyani.

Suburban areas outside of Iraqi cities are beginning to fill up with the Shiite Flight refugees. One new housing development called Levittown is offering ranch - style 3 bedroom homes to the anxious new suburbanites.

"It's strange. At first, I thought I was living on the set of ET ", Anwar Rahimm quipped, "But after a while it became quite comfortable. Little league replaced stick ball and the swimming pools were a lot better than the old city fire hydrants".

"Best of all!", added his wife, Canditha, "We can put our heads on the pillow at night and not worry about those terrible Americans shooting us or marrying our children."

Thursday, January 11, 2007

DIGGIN" ON ELLA










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fitzgerald/