Sunday, February 04, 2007

Duck shot;Survives!!!


Great White Hunter Dick "Chainsaw" Cheney thought he bagged him a ringneck duck on his most recent hunting trip.

"Duck soup, was all I could dream about!". Chainsaw went home and put the bird feathers and all in the basement fridge. When wife Lynn,famous for giving birth to a lesbian daughter, went down to prepare Dick's duck,she got some surprise. "There it was staring right at me with more vengeance in its eyes than democrats before the midterm elections",Lynn "Lesbian breeder" Cheney exclaimed.

"I told the ringneck to calm down or I would call my Dick down here to ring his ringneck and finish him off. At that the poor thing began to weep!It told me about its rise to fame in those supplemental health insurance ads and how jealousy from other ad actors and famous ducks nearly drove him crazy!

"I felt so bad for the little bird that I brought it right down to the Goosecreek Wildlife Sanctuary".

That's where this reporter caught up with the convalescing feathered friend. Boy, can that Duck talk. When asked about the charges of jealousy concerning his fellow duck actors, did he tell all: "Daffy-don't let that cute speech defect fool you,that's one vicious creature! And Donald-Walt had it right about that temper-that piece of work is the anger management poster bird!"

When asked about his future plans he said that he would like to work on forgiving Cheney for shooting him and will be joining a support group of people who have been shot by this Dick. He mentioned that he was number 300 on the waiting list but a number of Cheney's victim were likely to die soon.

As for his future with AFLAC, he sounded bitter: "I'm paying Goosecreek out of pocket because my contract did not provide supplemental health care! Besides I'm tired of promoting the stereotype of the annoying noisy duck. Who do they think I am Steppin Fetchit or Jose Jimenez! Anyway, as a lame duck, Lynn Cheney told me I'd have some famous company..."

False Arrest Capital!!!


Dallas County, Texas has had 12 cases of DNA exonerations. Only 3 states in the union have had more. Dallas county has more than even California, our largest state with the largest governor and Florida, our most corrupt state with a bush as its governor.

NY, Illinois and Texas have more but since Dallas County is in Texas, maybe the Lone Star state shouldn't count. But since Texas had 24 total if Dallas County were in the some other state it would have been a tie.

State Senator Rodney Ellis called the honor "An international disgrace...These are appalling mistakes."

When former Governor Bush, who now volunteers in military recruiting stations in his spare time, was asked about the mistakes,he had this to say: "Look,everybody makes mistakes. A county or a state is no different. If I told you all the mistakes I have made in my life ,why it would make 24 seem like a pretty small number...it would be antfinitesimal!

"I never studied in school, got a DUI, married a dumpy librarian,flew bombing missions over Texas instead of ...that place in Asia, I've killed more Iraqis than Saddam Hussein and more Americans than died in those big buildings which was the reason I started killing Iraqis. Shit,when I started that war I didn't even know that there was a difference between Shiites and Sunnis...I still don't know what the differences is!

"As my Grandpappy, the aristocratic Prescott Bush, used to say to me,'Kid, you don't know shit from shinola!' Hell, I still don't know what that old coot was talking about-shinola? what's that...a Muslim sect...har,har,that's a good one if I do say so myself".

When Bush asked what former Texas Governor Ann Richards had to say about the mistakes, we reminded him that she was dead. "Well,if she died in Dallas County, maybe she'll get exon...rerrarated!".

Grandmama was no Witch!


Scottish 72 year old grandma from Edinburgh, is seeking a pardon for [i]her[/i] grandmother. Granny, it seems was one of the last people jailed for witchcraft in the UK.

The year was 1944 when bobbies broke into a seance and threw the poor old lady into jail."They had no evidence", her granddaughter insists, "Any one could have told that the long, pointy nose was really a carrot and that ridiculous test of float or sink!It's as confusing as starve a cold ..or is it feed a cold...well ,you see what I mean."

"You wouldn't believe how mean they were to me at school when Granny was in the slammer. They called me 'Evil Eye', 'Witch-Spawn' and 'Filthy Pagan Bitch' and that was the teachers.They thought they were so smart until Granny turned them all into toads. I haven't laughed as hard since!"

Hemaphrodite Fish In the Potomac


So-called "intersex" fish, males who produce eggs in their testes, have been found in the Potomac River. Scientists are pointing to chemical pollution as the probable cause.

A study release Wednesday said pesticides, flame retardants, personal care products, and a banned fungicide were found in the water. Inter-sex fish expert, Dr Christine Jorgensen claims that certain chemicals stimulate estrogen production. Environmental specialists are positing that waste water from treatment plants, agriculture and industry are to blame.

Despite chilly winter temperatures transgendered swim clubs have been frequenting the river daily. One blue- tinted, shivering swimmer anonymously explained: "Do you have any idea what a sex change costs?!"

A competing theory about the source of the pollution in the Potomac has been advanced by Al Gore, recent environmentalist author and once believed to be the look-out at the oval office door while President Clinton and Ms Lewinsky played "Stain the denim dress".

Gore advanced his theory thusly: "Have you ever seen where that river runs in relation to our nation's capital.Everyone knows Washington, DC produces more bullshit than any locale except Texas!".

A WALL!!!!


In a bizarre reversal of the Pyramus and Thisbe legend, a once happy couple have decided to build a wall through their house to create an actual physical barrier. "I don't know if it's this new wall at the US-Mexico border or just my past fondness for the Berlin Wall,but one morning I just woke up and said :That's it! A wall!", Harvey Wallbanger explained.

Shirley Temple Wallbanger-Hassenpfoeffer pointed out: "It was the first thing we agreed on in thirty years".

The Wallbanger-Hassenpfoeffer children, all in their thirties, still live with their parents. Harvey Jr has decided to live with Dad because "Dad's got the best part of the house". Daughter, Petunia has chosen Mom's side of the wall since Mom's got Tivo. Youngest Nigel cannot decide so he will live for six months on each side of the wall: "The traveling and packing will be a hassle but how do you choose between your progenitors?"

An ironic twist reminiscent of the aforementioned legend is the chink in the wall designed by the couple. As Shirley put it: "When you've verbally abused each other for as long as we have ,you can't just quit cold turkey". Ho-Lee Makrol will be paid according to minimum wage laws.

When interviewed, Ho explained: "I'm happy to have the work. It pays better than most Chinese restaurants. But, I really don't understand...most married couples manage to wall each other out without needing a real wall!"

ZZZZZZZZZZZZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!


IMPEACH THE SOB!!!!!



Impeachment by the People
By Howard Zinn
The Progressive
February 2007 Issue
Courage is in short supply in Washington, D.C. The realities of the Iraq War cry out for the overthrow of a government that is criminally responsible for death, mutilation, torture, humiliation, chaos. But all we hear in the nation's capital, which is the source of those catastrophes, is a whimper from the Democratic Party, muttering and nattering about "unity" and "bipartisanship," in a situation that calls for bold action to immediately reverse the present course.
These are the Democrats who were brought to power in November by an electorate fed up with the war, furious at the Bush Administration, and counting on the new majority in Congress to represent the voters. But if sanity is to be restored in our national policies, it can only come about by a great popular upheaval, pushing both Republicans and Democrats into compliance with the national will.
The Declaration of Independence, revered as a document but ignored as a guide to action, needs to be read from pulpits and podiums, on street corners and community radio stations throughout the nation. Its words, forgotten for over two centuries, need to become a call to action for the first time since it was read aloud to crowds in the early excited days of the American Revolution: "Whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it and institute new government."
The "ends" referred to in the Declaration are the equal right of all to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." True, no government in the history of the nation has been faithful to those ends. Favors for the rich, neglect of the poor, massive violence in the interest of continental and world expansion - that is the persistent record of our government.
Still, there seems to be a special viciousness that accompanies the current assault on human rights, in this country and in the world. We have had repressive governments before, but none has legislated the end of habeas corpus, nor openly supported torture, nor declared the possibility of war without end. No government has so casually ignored the will of the people, affirmed the right of the President to ignore the Constitution, even to set aside laws passed by Congress.
The time is right, then, for a national campaign calling for the impeachment of President Bush and Vice President Cheney. Representative John Conyers, who held extensive hearings and introduced an impeachment resolution when the Republicans controlled Congress, is now head of the House Judiciary Committee and in a position to fight for such a resolution. He has apparently been silenced by his Democratic colleagues who throw out as nuggets of wisdom the usual political palaver about "realism" (while ignoring the realities staring them in the face) and politics being "the art of the possible" (while setting limits on what is possible).
I know I'm not the first to talk about impeachment. Indeed, judging by the public opinion polls, there are millions of Americans, indeed a majority of those polled, who declare themselves in favor if it is shown that the President lied us into war (a fact that is not debatable). There are at least a half-dozen books out on impeachment, and it's been argued for eloquently by some of our finest journalists, John Nichols and Lewis Lapham among them. Indeed, an actual "indictment" has been drawn up by a former federal prosecutor, Elizabeth de la Vega, in a new book called United States v. George W. Bush et al, making a case, in devastating detail, to a fictional grand jury.
There is a logical next step in this development of an impeachment movement: the convening of "people's impeachment hearings" all over the country. This is especially important given the timidity of the Democratic Party. Such hearings would bypass Congress, which is not representing the will of the people, and would constitute an inspiring example of grassroots democracy.
These hearings would be the contemporary equivalents of the unofficial gatherings that marked the resistance to the British Crown in the years leading up to the American Revolution. The story of the American Revolution is usually built around Lexington and Concord, around the battles and the Founding Fathers. What is forgotten is that the American colonists, unable to count on redress of their grievances from the official bodies of government, took matters into their own hands, even before the first battles of the Revolutionary War.
In 1772, town meetings in Massachusetts began setting up Committees of Correspondence, and the following year, such a committee was set up in Virginia. The first Continental Congress, beginning to meet in 1774, was a recognition that an extralegal body was necessary to represent the interests of the people. In 1774 and 1775, all through the colonies, parallel institutions were set up outside the official governmental bodies.
Throughout the nation's history, the failure of government to deliver justice has led to the establishment of grassroots organizations, often ad hoc, dissolving after their purpose was fulfilled. For instance, after passage of the Fugitive Slave Act, knowing that the national government could not be counted on to repeal the act, black and white anti-slavery groups organized to nullify the law by acts of civil disobedience. They held meetings, made plans, and set about rescuing escaped slaves who were in danger of being returned to their masters.
In the desperate economic conditions of 1933 and 1934, before the Roosevelt Administration was doing anything to help people in distress, local groups were formed all over the country to demand government action. Unemployed Councils came into being, tenants' groups fought evictions, and hundreds of thousands of people in the country formed self-help organizations to exchange goods and services and enable people to survive.
More recently, we recall the peace groups of the 1980s, which sprang up in hundreds of communities all over the country, and provoked city councils and state legislatures to pass resolutions in favor of a freeze on nuclear weapons. And local organizations have succeeded in getting more than 400 city councils to take a stand against the Patriot Act.
Impeachment hearings all over the country could excite and energize the peace movement. They would make headlines, and could push reluctant members of Congress in both parties to do what the Constitution provides for and what the present circumstances demand: the impeachment and removal from office of George Bush and Dick Cheney. Simply raising the issue in hundreds of communities and Congressional districts would have a healthy effect, and would be a sign that democracy, despite all attempts to destroy it in this era of war, is still alive.
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Howard Zinn is the author, most recently, of A Power Governments Cannot Suppress. For information on how to get involved in the impeachment effort, go to www.afterdowningstreet.org.